


Falling too fast

by JoMarchisgay



Category: Ru Paul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: AU, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Lesbian AU, cis girls au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-13 01:20:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13559646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoMarchisgay/pseuds/JoMarchisgay
Summary: She wanted to bang her head against her guitar to get rid of the images. She was being truly pathetic. Her head had been filled with thoughts of the blonde so late last night, she'd half expected to wake up next to her.But then there she was again, invading her head, lips painted red and eyes lined in black. She pictured her again and again and again until finally, she gave up trying to fight it. She let acceptance wash over her. Once again she'd fallen too fast. She hated herself for it, her open heart betrayed h





	1. Cheap

Katya looked into her till and realised that for the twenty-eighth time today, it was completely empty. She cursed internally and looked up at the expecting customer who was awaiting his change, a look of annoyance already readable on his face. She did her best to smile back although his expression was making her want to quit her job and move to mars.

  
“I’m so sorry sir,” she began, “I don’t have any change…”

  
He simply stared at her in response, as if waiting for her to finish with, “but I’ve managed to pull your 3 cents out of my arse so here you go!”

  
“So...how are you going to give it to me?” he asked, his eyes flashing with a rage completely disproportionate to the situation.

  
Katya was used to his kind in the little shop. People who seemed to think that once she put on the uniform, all her humanity went out the window, and it was acceptable to treat her like total shit.

She once again smiled tightly, praying to god he wasn’t going to make this an issue. It was such a small amount of money, and the shop she was working in was so bougie she was sure nobody that was spending $69.97 on a single candle would miss their 3 cents.

  
“Sir, I can go and get your 3 cents from the back, but it’s going to take 20 minutes and as you can see the queue is very long and I’m the only member of staff working today…” she trailed off, seeing that his expression was remaining set in stone. This man was not going to leave without his pocket change.

  
“Sir…” she tried again, “I did warn you about the change situation, but you insisted you still wanted to pay cash and that you didn't mind if-”

  
“This is robbery! You're robbing me for even suggesting I leave here without the money you owe me, this is OUTRA-” he didn’t get a chance to finish when the woman behind in the queue tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned and and she handed him 3 cent pieces.

  
“Honey, nobody has time for you to be this cheap right now, we have lives…” she said curtly, turning his face a shade of deep beetroot. He looked almost shaken, like he recognised her. Quickly, he took his receipt from Katya's outstretched hand, and picking up his candle, left the shop.

  
Katya looked for the first time at her saviour. She was beautiful in a way that felt classically American. Masses of blonde hair piled high and curled, it looked almost plastic in its perfection and katya marvelled at how it was staying in place. Her eyes skimmed down to her body, curves enveloped by the bright material of her dress, her tiny waist nipped in with a belt, she looked doll-like and Katya found herself unable to stop staring.

"Thank you....." she finally managed to say, "thanks for doing that, you really helped me out!"

The woman smiled. Katya noted that her smile was as bright as her outfit. She would have done anything in that moment to make her smile again.

"It's no problem, he was being a dick and you're clearly busy," she handed over her card to pay for her items, "I'm Trixie".

The name suited her.

"Katya", she replied, taking the card and noting that in the signature on the back, the i’s were dotted with hearts. This woman couldn't be for real. She was a real life plastic person.

"Katya...that's cool I like that".

She smiled again and Katya felt her gut twist. Jesus that was a nice smile. Trixie started to gather up her things and Katya started to panic. She needed to say something cool, say something witty, say anything really! Why was she just going to let this woman walk away from her?

She felt almost manic as she packed items into bags, trying desperately to think of anything that would make her stay.

"Your change!" She blurted suddenly.

Trixie looked amused.

"I paid with card?"

"Yeah no, I know, I mean the change you gave that man! It's only fair you get it back..."

"It's really not a big deal sweetie, it's 3 cents and you have a queue, like you've already said!"

Katya felt defeated. She would have ran a marathon to get those 3 cents if it meant she could see Trixie again.

"Oh okay. Thanks again for the help...have a really nice day," she muttered, blushing. Trixie clearly didn't want to stick around as much as she wished she would. She felt defeated.

The blonde picked up her bags and turned to leave when she stopped.

"You know what?" She said, turning back round to face the flustered cashier, "I need to pick up some things tomorrow, could I come back and pick up my change then? If you're still adamant I need it that is..."

  
Katya's heart leapt, she tried to compose her face into a look of indifference but the beaming smile fighting to curl her lips was giving her away.  
"Yes! Yes, I'm working all day you should come by. I'll set it out!"  
Katya quickly tried to cover up her enthusiasm as she realised she'd actually risen out of her chair as she spoke. She lowered herself down slowly, and her blush deepened.

Trixie laughed softly, "well ok then, I'll see you soon...and just so you know, I'm charging interest".

It took Katyas fumbling brain a second to register a joke had been made. There was silence as they stared at each-other.

Then, for no apparent reason, with nothing to spark it and with a shop full of people, the women found themselves bursting into uncontrollable laughter. Borderline choking they cackled over a joke that haven't been made. The calmed down quickly to the relief and bewilderment of everyone around them. Still giggling Trixie gathered up her bags, promised to be back, winked, and left the shop.

Katya couldn't think about anything else for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is my first time posting a story on here so any feedback at all would be greatly appreciated! Hope you enjoy this gay shit show x


	2. Party

Trixie didn't come back the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. Nevertheless, Katya had spent the week taking a lot more time than usual on her appearance. She woke up an hour earlier in the mornings, taking her time to iron her fringe down so it layed flat, and curling the rest so it effortlessly curled around her face. Normally, applying her makeup would involve sticking her finger in black eyeshadow and rubbing her eye viciously, but recently she'd actually purchased a blending brush, and would spend an unreasonable amount of time patiently smoking it out.  
Everyday the blonde didn't come back her heart sank a little lower. She knew she was being ridiculous. She'd met this woman for all of 2 minutes. She wasn't coming back, and that should feel ok. It didn't feel ok. Why wasn't it ok?

  
“Hi!”

  
Katya looked up. There she was, just as perfect as she had remembered. Her memory tended to fail her a lot, she was grateful that this time it seemed to have come through.

  
“Hey, you actually came back?” She laughed, hoping it came off like she hadn't actually been praying that she would for the past 7 days.

  
“Yes! I've been robbed of my 3 cents and I've come to claim what's rightfully mine,” she replied grinning,“did you change your hair?”

  
Katya touched her hand to her curled bob.  
“This hair? My hair?”

“Unless you have other hair?”

  
“No”.

  
“Well then did you change it?”

  
“Change what?”

  
“Your hair?”

  
“Oh! No…”

  
There was a pause.

  
“Well it looks good”.

  
“My hair?”

  
Trixie started to laugh, and Katya blushed. She seemed to have only 2 brain cells in her head this morning, one of them had fallen asleep and the other had taken a smoke break.

  
Eventually Trixie stopped giggling and managed to ask,“Do you like parties?” with a respectably straight face.

  
Katya didn't like parties. The noise, the heat, the small talk, the inevitable puking, there was not once one thing about parties Katya enjoyed, she hated them with a passion, she would never be caught dead at one. In fact she would rather drink her own piss than attend a party. She might even go as far as to say she-

  
“Yes I love parties!”  
Fuck.

  
“Well I'm throwing one tonight, I know it's kind of weird since we don't really know each other but you seem cool so…”

  
“You're inviting me?”

  
“If you want to be invited?”

  
“I do”.

  
“Well then!”

  
Another pause.

  
“Can I wear a costume?”

  
“See you tonight Katya".

  
She left after quickly giving details and Katya decided that the costume hadn't been encouraged….although it hadn't been discouraged...

  
Of course, the party was like every other party, although the house was so big Katya had managed to get lost twice snooping about. It was midnight and she was ready to go home. Why had she agreed to this? It was so crowded and she hadn't even seen Trixie yet…. God this house was HUGE, she wondered if the blonde really lived here. She'd spent the last ten minutes trying to find an escape route from the labyrinth but so far she'd only succeeded in finding a window. Mournfully, she looked outside to find it was drizzling with rain and pitch black. Gritting her teeth, she decided it was worth it to get away from all the noise and sweaty people. After some searching she found a door that lead to the garden. She felt the cold immediately and shivered as it tore through the thin material of her dress. It had been stupid to wear it but it made her feel pretty. She lit up a cigarette in an attempt to both calm her nerves and feel warmer, wondering how long it would burn for before her hand stopped protecting it from the rain and it went out. A stray raindrop fell onto the burning embers and it hissed. Katya sighed, exhaling smoke as she did so, becoming transfixed by the way it clouded and twirled in the air, before the rain seemed to wash it away.

  
"Katya?"  
  
The blonde looked up, Trixie was standing in the doorway. Her arms were crossed and she was shivering, Katya felt immediately guilty that she'd caused her to come outside.

"Why are you out here! It's freezing! Trixie said, smiling in same way that had made Katyas chest ache behind her till.

"Well you aren't wearing a lot maybe it's hitting you harder!" Katya retorted defensively, eyeing Trixies short floral outfit. She looked like a Barbie and it was hot.

"I'm wearing a dress! You're wearing what appears to be a robe?"

"It's a cape".

"Well I'm glad it's keeping the cold out, even if it does make you look like you're going to suck my blood".

"I did do that..."

"Suck blood?"

"In high school...."

"You fascinate me".

Katya stamped out her cigarette, it wasn't worth the struggle of trying to keep it dry. And anyway, she'd be going soon.

"I was just about to leave actually!" She said brightly, coming closer towards the door, "better get back and let the cat out".

"You have a cat?"

"Not right now…” she thought for a minute, “but there may be one trapped....that needs to be let out".

Trixie laughed at the absurdity. She knew looking into the Russians confused eyes she genuinely thought this was a good excuse.

  
“Right…are you sure you won't stay for just one drink?”

  
“I don't really drink..”

  
“One dance?”

  
Katya perked up slightly. She liked dancing. It was the only good bit about parties.

  
“I'm not a dancer…” she started,

“Honey it's fun! Nobody expecting you to perform a complex floor routine!”

“Can I?”

  
“Can you what?”

  
“Can I perform a complex floor routine?”

  
“I don't know if there's going to be space for that….I would however like to see your complex floor routine”.

  
“Well you can, it’s sexy”.

  
Trixie giggled at her obnoxious statement, not quite understanding how one woman could be so sure of herself and yet so nervous.

  
“So how about it? One dance before you go home to Schrödinger's cat?” She extended a white gloved hand as she spoke, making Katya feel like she was being asked to dance at a ball.

  
“Ok...does it matter that I'm kind of wet from all this rain?”

  
“Tell everyone it's sweat”.

  
Half of it was, she thought, but Trixie didn't need to know that particular information.  
She pulled her back into the house and into the kitchen, where the bigger lights and speakers were set up. A song was playing Katya didn't recognise, it was just loud and the base of it hurt her chest.

  
“Do you really live here?” She managed to shout as they jumped to the booming song.

  
“Yes! Whose house did you think it was?”

  
“Well yours….but it's just so...huge!”

  
“Honey do you know who I am?”,she said, looking at the confusion on the blondes face, “Shit, scratch that, it sounded a little cunty...I meant do you know what I do?”

  
Katya shook her head, stopping bouncing now to dance in her own way. She was one hip movement away from a backbend but she remembered Trixies comments about the lack of room…

  
“I'm Trixie Mattel, I'm a country singer?”

  
“I don't really listen to a lot of country music,” she confessed, “are you good?”

  
Trixie paused, and then remembered that her new friend was the least likely person to think she was boasting.

  
“Yes. I'm very good”.

  
Katya grinned.

  
“Will you sing for me?”

  
“Maybe sometime...somewhere that's not so loud, somewhere people won't think I've stopped the music like “anyway here's wonderwall””.

“I’d like it”.

  
“I like you!”

  
“I can't believe someone famous likes me,” she teased playfully.

  
“Do you still want to go home?”

  
Katya paused before answering honestly.  
“Yes”.

  
“Did I do something wrong?”

  
“You? Oh god no! Not you! You did perfect, wait, sorry, are perfect! You are perfect? Not that you're perfect I'm sure you have flaws! Everyone's got flaws! I smoke to much and I lie about cats…”

  
Trixie took a second to process the speech, her eyebrow raised.

  
“Katya do you like parties?”

  
“No”.

  
“Then why did you come to a party?”

  
“You”.

  
Trixie blushed the same colour as her dress, but recovered quickly.

  
“Can I take you somewhere that's not a party then? Where do you go normally?”

  
“I don't really go anywhere...I like to stay in a lot, I know that's lame”.

  
“I should have known you'd be a hermit…do you like music?”

  
“I might like your music?”

  
“I wasn't offering to play for you!”

  
“Can I offer on your behalf?”

  
They stared at each other for a moment, both grinning even though no real joke had been made.

  
“Are you free Friday? You can come over and I'll show you the house free of people?”

  
“Yes,” Katya blurted way too quickly.

  
“Well then I guess you're free to go!” The singer laughed, seeing that Katya was already gauging the exits, “7 ok?”

  
Katya nodded already fully turned around, halfway out the room.

  
Trixie spent the rest of the night dancing, but nobody laid down a floor routine. She was almost disappointed.


	3. Bathroom

Katya arrived dead on 7. She was barely ever on time for anything but she'd planned her whole day around this paticar outing, even going so far as to swap her shift with Adore so that she could devote all her attention to not fucking everything up. She'd even stopped herself before leaving the house to remove the small hands she'd clipped in her hair, thinking the blood stained one might be a little much for a first date. Was this a date? She wasn't sure and she'd spent the whole day trying to figure it out. She didn't even know if Trixie was gay! But then she supposed Trixie didn't know Katya was gay either. Maybe this was going to be a chill evening between two new friends...It was in that mindset that she forced herself to knock on the door.

  
There was a small commotion behind it until a very tall thin woman answered. Her hair was grey but she didn't look old, and the contrast of her pale skin again her russet lipstick made her look like an old Hollywood movie star. Katya's heart sunk. How could Trixie even begin to find her attractive with this woman here!

  
“You must be Katya!” She said warmly, her accent tinged with a British inflection, “come in!”

  
Katya followed her into Trixie's home, which seemed even bigger now that it was empty of people and noise. The sound of her boots echoed down the hallway, pairing satisfyingly with the sound of her companions heels clacking.

  
They had been walking for what felt that an almost comically long amount of time when a voice that was unmistakably Trixies floated down the hall.

  
Katya couldn't make out the words yet, just faint guitar strumming and something about knowing. As they got closer the strumming stopped, she guessed their footsteps had been heard because it was replaced with Trixies voice.

  
“Max? Is that you honey?” She called.

  
Katya might have been hearing wrong because she had just heard her singing, but her voice sounded more melodic than usual, and it seemed to float in the air.

  
“Yes darling! I have your friend! She arrived right on time!”

  
There was a loud clang that sounded like an instrument falling, and then some barely audible expletives. Katya laughed at the imagine of the carefully put together woman flustered.

  
“I'm just in the kitchen!”

  
Max tried to hide a smile.

  
“It's just through there,” she said, pointing towards the door Trixie's voice had been floating from, “I have some things to get on with but it was lovely to meet you, I'm sure we'll see eachother again”.

  
Katya muttered a thank you, wondering exactly where she was born to have that accent.

  
“Trixie? It's me!” She called, wandering into the huge kitchen. She recognised it from dancing the night before and was grateful it seemed so much calmer now.

  
The blonde looked up from her notes. She'd been quickly scribbling something down adding to what Katya assumed were song lyrics.

  
Katya took a seat next to her and watched as she finished the final sentence.

  
“Can I read it?” She asked, eying the paper curiously.

  
Trixie looked surprised.

  
“The song?”

  
“Yeah!”

  
“It's not meant to be read through, it's meant to be heard!”

  
“Well then sing it!”

  
Trixie shook her head, “nope! It's not good yet!”

  
“Well then let me read it, I like poems!”

  
Reluctantly, the blonde passed the sheet of paper over, wishing she could go back over it one last time before she did so.

  
Katya read in silence, no witty comments escaped as she carefully read every word.

  
_And I don't call you when I cry._  
_I don't spend the day in bed._  
_Mostly I'm fine. Most of the time, I get by like I said._  
_I haven't been drinking, I haven't been thinking,_  
_Of lonely if onlys and then…_  
_Then I see you, and I know you all over again…_  
_Then I see you, and I love you all over again._

  
“Who's it about?” She said finally, after reading it again to make sure every word was carefully absorbed.

  
“A girl…” she smiled, “apparently when I first started to write this I was visibly crying in public…” she laughed sharply, but noticing Katya's concerned expression quickly added, “it's been a long time since all that though so I figured why not finish it? Get rid of writer's block and all that,” she babbled noticing the blonde had a started reading the personal lyrics again.

  
“I think public crying should be encouraged...it's as natural as laughing!”

  
“Yes, but laughing doesn't get you spoken to by the bar manager because you're, and I quote, making everyone really uncomfortable,” Trixie giggled at the memory.

  
There was a pause, before Katya softly muttered, “this song...it sounds like it hurt”.

  
Trixie looked surprised at how blunt the statement was.

  
“Yes...it did,” she finally replied,looking down at the lyrics that had been handed back to her.

  
“It's very good”.

  
“Thank you”.

  
Trixie smiled, “I'm over it...her...but it does help with writing if you can take yourself back into that headspace you know?”

  
Katya nodded, unsure of what to say next. She sensed this topic was delicate but the song was so beautiful she had to know who inspired it.

  
“Is she a singer too? The girl the songs about?”

  
Trixie smiled, “oh no she was an accountant!”  
Katya laughed.

  
“Like the money guy? How in gods name did you two meet!?”

  
“Im rich and bad at maths,” was her deadpan reply.

  
She wheezed, and Trixie looked happy to have made her laugh.

  
She looked out past the Russian to her garden, noticing how the sun was still shining despite it technically being the moon's turn.

  
“It's still nice outside do you want to walk or something?” The blonde said, looking out through the glass doors at the sun beaming in.  
It looked warm and inviting and Katya couldn't remember the last time she walked without the intention of going somewhere.

  
“Sure!” She said, standing up and offering her hand to help Trixie off the sofa.

  
She took it, enjoying the clash of her perfect pink shellac nails to Katya's bitten red ones. They walked out in relative silence, both women very aware that their hands were still clasped, despite Trixie being no longer in need of a hand up.

  
Trixies garden was beautiful, flowers bloomed in every possible corner and Katya was too busy appreciating how beautiful they looked in the fading sunlight to feel overwhelmed by the vast amount of pink. They walked for a while, their fingers still linked together as they breathed in the warm air of the late summer night.

  
“Do you garden?” Katya asked, as a particularly beautiful bush of roses caught her eye.

  
Trixie laughed, “oh god no! No, I have a girl who loves this garden a worrying amount...I actually wonder why I'm paying her too do it”.

  
“The one with the grey hair?” Katya wondered allowed.

  
Trixie laughed, “No that's Max! She's my cleaner and all round personal assistant...and quite a good friend actually”.

  
“You pay people to be your friends?” Katya teased, trying not to be too happy that Max, in all her beauty, was nothing more than a good companion.

  
“Shut up bitch!” She replied laughing, squeezing the Russians hand as she giggled.

  
Katya's stomach flipped as the reinforced contact reminded her they were still holding hands. Trixie hadn't let go and she certainly wasn't strong enough to prevent her from breaking away if she wanted too! This had to be a date! Unless country people hold their friends hand? No. That's not a thing, she reasoned, with a lot more conviction than he felt.

  
They walked for what could have been seconds or days or years, time seemed to speed up and slow down at will as they both soaked up the last of the sun, chatting and laughing, their hands remaining firmly linked.

  
Trixie wanted to laugh at herself. Adults don't hold hands on the first date! That's reserved for trotting around the playground in kindergarten. But yet here she was, with a cashier she'd met less than 2 weeks ago, holding her hand like they were 5 years old. She was becoming increasingly aware about the childishness of the situation but she couldn't quite bring herself to care.

  
It was nearly dark when Trixie suggested they go back inside. Katya wanted to put a spell on the sun to prevent it from disappearing. She stared at it, praying the witch magic she was convinced she had wouldn't fail her now. Of course it stayed dark, the sun slipping down beneath the horizon just to spite her. She wondered if it was flipping her off as it disappeared.

  
They women walked back to the house, and Trixie let go of Katya's hand too let them in.  
Both of their palms suddenly felt cold and empty, but to reach for the others hand again would be to acknowledge they had been holding them in the first place, and neither woman felt brave enough for that.

  
“Do you want a tour?” Trixie asked, her arms now wrapped around her front to prevent them from dangling suggestively. The last thing she wanted was to look desperate.

  
Katya nodded, although she had already seen a great deal of it through her party snooping.  
They walked slowly through each room, Trixie pointing out features like a real estate agent. The tension between them was palible but neither woman was acknowledging it. Noticing how formal Trixie was becoming, Katya began to play the role of a rich house hunter, curious to see if she would catch on.

  
“This shower actually has lights in it you can control from your phone…”

  
“Fuck!” Katya replied, her pitch becoming higher and her voice more nasal. She sounded just like someone ordering off the skinnylicious menu at Cheesecake Factory. Her new energy seemed to snap Trixie out of her house hunters trance.

  
She looked round surprised, “Fuck? Why fuck?”

  
“Well it's just I have so many phones which one am I meant to control it from! Also I don't wash, can I just,like,stand under the speaker without the water?”

  
Trixie looked bemused but entertained.  
“You can get the app on more than one phone, and as for the washing issue, this house comes with a beautiful attic you can lock yourself in away from the clean general public”.

  
“Ok great!” She said, still doing her best impression of a typical white girl. “Now do I have to listen to music?”

  
“Why?...”

  
“Because I find nothing gets me in the mood to dance more than a podcast!”

  
Trixie snorted.

  
“Oh really, what's your favourite podcast?”

  
“Communist cunts getting coffee,” she replied without missing a beat, her voice suddenly back to normal with its Russian accent exaggerated.

  
Trixie knew that if anyone else was trying to do this “bit” with her, she'd have met them with a blank stare. But it was Katya, so she couldn't help loudly cakaling.

  
“Why did you have that ready?” She said, wondering how Katya could come up with such an insane answer so quickly.

  
The Russian laughed, “Mamma I spend most of my life thinking of podcast names, have you seen what I do for work?”

  
Trixie scrunched up her nose in sympathy.  
“Yeah you must be bored…”

  
“Bored? No...I get too many people looking to fight me too be bored. Although sometimes I'd like someone to be nice to me...maybe that's why I couldn't quite believe it when you helped me out with that change situation…”

  
Trixie laughed, “You have to let those 3 cents go!”

  
“It's not the 3 cents it's the kindness bitch!”

  
Trixie couldn't help it, the words tumbled out.

  
“Well what about if I told you my motivation wasn't kindness, it was the hot cashier?”

  
Katya’s eyes widened. Trixie panicked.

  
“Sorry! I don't know why I said that, that was terrible-”  
She couldn't finish because Katya had stepped forward and pressed her lips to hers. Trixie melted, any regret about her bold statement having been obliterated by the unexpected kiss. She reluctantly pulled away, and was met with a playful glint in the blondes eyes.  
“Well that was worth 3 cents”.

  
Katya laughed, “it’s my asking price for a reason”.

  
“My bathroom is now the most romantic room in the house...we were just in a sunlit garden!Why?”

  
“Sunlight gardens aren't really my style…”

  
“Bathrooms are?”

  
“They're more along the right lines”.

  
“Why do I feel like you'd prefer rats to be present?”

  
“See! You know me so well,” she laughed, her eyes still shining with excitement after the spontaneous kiss.

  
There was a silence as they studied each other until finally Trixie spoke.

  
“This might work you know…”

  
Katya smiled.

  
“It might”.


	4. Stalker

It had been 3 days since Trixie last saw Katya and her thoughts consisted of literally nothing else.

  
Every show she played,every time she sat down to write, every time she ate a fucking sandwich she was in her head. Dancing in some kind of problem patterned dress, her hair soft and golden in the warm glow of the setting summer sun. Her blue eyes sparkling with excitement as they had when she kissed her.

  
“Gosh darling you're talking like you love her!” Max had commented when Trixie shared why she looked so distracted.

  
Her heart skipped. They'd only met 3 times! And yet when Max said it, she suddenly wondered if maybe she did. Maybe it wasn't impossible. She closed her eyes and saw her again, looking beautifully flustered at a till, sexy and grungy smoking in the rain, laughing so hard her knees gave out at some stupid joke Trixie had made. She saw her pale slender hand wrapped in her own, slotted in like it had always been there…

  
She wanted to bang her head against her guitar to get rid of the images. She was being truly pathetic. Her head had been filled with thoughts of the blonde so late last night, she'd half expected to wake up next to her.

  
But then there she was again, invading her head, lips painted red and eyes lined in black. She pictured her again and again and again until finally, she gave up trying to fight it. She let acceptance wash over her. Once again she'd fallen too fast. She hated herself for it, her open heart betrayed her time and time again and yet a glimmer of hope still flickered, telling her that maybe this time it was different.

  
She looked up at Max, her eyes seeming to say “what can you do?”

  
Max let out a low whistle.

  
“Well shit,” she finally said.

  
“Yeah,” was Trixie's only reply.

  
Suddenly, her phone buzzed, with a text from an unknown number.

_  
You know you can find your phone number if you look at the right Reddit threads?_

  
She felt a panicked chill trickle down her spine and she started to tell Max to alert her security before the phone buzzed again.

  
_This is Katya by the way! Sorry! Should have led with that..._

  
She let out a short laugh, her relief at not having a stalker quickly replaced with excitement that the Russian had texted her. She'd forgotten to leave her with any way to contact her the last time they had spoken and Trixie wasn't about to look more desperate than she felt and go back to the little shop in the hopes of making contact. She made a small mental note to have her number changed. But not before she'd spoken to her new obsession.

  
_I would have given it to you myself but good to know my stalkers are providing genuine invasions of privacy to the general public. Wouldn't want anyone to get ripped off with a fake number…_

  
I feel like we should do a full on investigation as to how your number got leaked.

  
_Will you wear a police uniform?_

_  
Blues not my colour._

_  
Then what's the point?_

_  
Revenge and justice?_

  
Trixie laughed at her phone and Max looked at her knowingly.

  
“Something tells me the Russias back?”

  
Another text came through.

  
_Can you wear jelly shoes in court?_

  
“Trixie!” Max said, exasperated that she was now being ignored in favour of a relative stranger.

  
“Sorry sorry! I'm back! I'm present! I'm...just going to reply to this…”

  
“I have laundry too do,” she huffed, leaving Trixie to text in peace.

  
_I don't think jelly shoes are encouraged but I'm not a scientist so I wouldn't know._

_  
Funny. So I had an idea..._

_  
An idea?_

_  
I've seen your house/castle, you wanna see my shithole?_

_  
...Is it clean?_

_  
Rude! You know it's not._

  
Trixie smiled.

  
_Ok I'd like that, but I'm bringing room spray._

_  
You're being very cruel for someone with such a crush on me…_

_  
Who says I have a crush on you?_

_  
Everyone else has one so I just assumed._

  
Then before Trixie could reply with something witty a shared location popped up on her phone with the caption “ready when you are”. 


	5. Red

Seeing the area Katya lived in immediately made Trixie nervous. She knew it well, it was notorious for having the most stabbing and gunshot victims in the whole of America. If she was going to go there she definitely couldn't wear her usual clothes. Wearing a pastel pink mini skirt would insure her ride home was in a ambulance.

  
She trotted upstairs into her walk in wardrobe, sitting down on the sofa that had been artistically placed in the middle of it. She must have something casual! Black even! She began to search for some jeans. Swearing she'd brought some a few years back…

  
-  
Katya's heart had lept when Trixie had agreed to come over. She'd sent the text in a fit of bravery and the long pause before Trixies reply nearly had her on the first plane back to Russia. Although she was excited for the blondes arrival, one look around her filthy apartment was all the confirmation she needed to know she hadn't thought this through.

  
She panicked, grabbing armfuls of old coffee cups, a few of them still full, and dumping them into the sink. She returned to the living room with a garbage bag, dropping empty pringles cans and half finished crafts into it. Eventually, the room started to look less like a landfill sight, and more up to Trixies standards. She arranged millions of throw cushions on the sofa, she hoped they looked eclectic and not like she was trying to cover the stains, which she definitely was.

  
She looked in her bedroom, arranging the dark red sheets of her bed into looking a little more grown up, rather than the crumpled nest of a teenager. She opened up her windows and light cascaded in. She looked around surprised. Normally, no matter the weather outside she kept her blinds down, relying on the orange glow of her lamps to see. The sun made everything look cleaner and brighter. She smiled, picturing Trixie laughing at how dark her home had been before she let in the light.

  
She just had enough time to fluff her hair a little in a mirror that was filthy but that she didn't have time to clean before she heard a buzz.

  
“Katya?” A voice that was unmistakably Trixies crackled, “you home?”

  
Katya jumped over to the little box and pressed the speaker button, “I'm buzzing you in! Just a second while I work out exactly how I do that…”

  
“You've never used it?”

  
“I don't normally let people up here”.

  
Trixie heard a buzz and the door to the block of flats unlocked. The hallway smelled of stale urine and dirt. Piles of rubbish littered the floor, where a dead rat lay paws up, seemingly having been there for a while. She wrinkled her nose. She wanted to take Katya home with her that same second, wrap her up in freshly washed sheets that would fill her nose and her pores with pretty scents to cover up the years of living in this filth. She wanted to wash away the dirt with lemon and lavender soap and dress her in white. Someone so beautiful didn't belong here.

  
She braved it however, walking confidently in old sneakers she'd dug out the back of her closet.

  
She knocked on door 66 and grinned when she saw that another 6 had been added onto in sharpie. She knew living that that number would most likely delight Katya.

  
Katya heard the knock and counted 3 seconds before going to answer it. Trixie couldn't know she'd been standing 1 metre away from it, eagerly awaiting her arrival.

  
She opened it as coolly as she felt able, and was struck by Trixie’s appearance. Her soft thighs were encased in denim jeans, just a little bit too tight she noted. A plain grey tank top and leather jacket had been casually pulled on top, and her usual huge eyelashes and pink lips were replaced with a simple coat of mascara and a shine of gloss. She noted the gloss was still pink though, and it made her happy to think that she couldn't quite hide her essence, even with such a dramatic makeover.

  
Trixie watched her stare smiling.

  
“I toned it down,” she finally said, and Katya simply nodded, still staring at her freckled decolletage that looked even more sunkissed and dainty against the floaty material of her shirt.

  
They stared at each other, Katya lost for words, dumbstruck by the way Trixie had pulled up her hair so that the softness of the bleached curls framed her face.

  
“Can I come in?” She laughed, and Katya nodded quickly, stepping back to allow Trixie into her apartment.

  
Trixie beamed at the sight of it. It was exactly as she had pictured. Shelves of weird little nick-nacks lined the walls, along with black and white paintings portraying hideously disfigured people that looked as beautiful as they did terrifying. She inspected one of them before noticing they were all signed “Katya”. Of course she made them, nobody else was lucky enough to have a mind like hers, and only a mind like hers was interesting enough to paint these.

  
“This place is like looking inside your head!” Trixie commented, still gazing around, noticing a new thing every time she looked.

  
“Thank you! You're actually the first to see it, I normally meet people at coffee houses, or go to their place…”

  
“I can see why I guess, coming in here is like being invited directly into you!”

  
She blushed as soon as she said the words, hoping Katya wouldn't notice the accidental innuendo.

  
She did though and shrieked with laughter.

  
“Shut up!” 

  
This only made Katya laugh louder.

  
“It wasn't even that funny!” Trixie tried to say, but her whiny voice only made it worse.

  
Katya calmed down and offered Trixie a tour as an olive branch. She accepted, still pouting from being mercilessly teased.

  
Katya showed her the kitchen, and Trixie smirked when she saw that while the oven was being used as shoe storage,the microwave was well loved. She noticed a framed photo of a tiny blonde child, laughing in the arms of a man. Katya saw her looking.  
“My dad,” she said, her tone suddenly deflated, missing the playfulness she had been embodying just seconds ago.

  
Trixie studied the photo more carefully.

  
“He looks very young to have kids…”

  
Katya noticeably winced and Trixie quickly stopped staring to turn to face her directly.  
“Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you,” she said, genuine concern readable in her bright blue eyes.

  
“No it's fine...I just haven't seen him in a long time”.

  
“Why's that?”

  
Katya sighed.

  
“We clash. He doesn't get me, I don't get him...and as the catalyst both of us are very passionate about what we believe in. Unfortunately we believe in very different things…” she trailed off, looking down quietly.

  
Trixie nodded. She wanted to reach her hand down to cup Katya's sad little face. Too kiss her forehead and hold her and tell her that everything was ok, that everything works out in the end. But she couldn't. It was too much too soon. That knowledge didn't quel the ache to comfort her though. She tried a compromise between her head and her heart and simply took her hand.

  
Katya's hands with cold and thin, but for whatever reason they still slotted perfectly into hers. The Russian smiled.

  
“How did we even get onto sad things when there is a grand tour to complete!” She said, her accent noticeably stronger as she pulled Trixie out of the kitchen.

  
There was only one room left but Katya still held Trixies hand as she dragged her towards it. In case she got lost along the way.

  
“Red sheets?” She laughed, as the blonde flung open the door proudly.

  
“Hides the blood of my victims”.

  
“That was the easiest joke!”

  
“No it was the second easiest joke, the most easy joke would have been one involving periods”.

  
Trxie pretended to gag, laughing as the older woman smoothed the sheets over.

  
“Is that all?” Asked Trixie, as Katya started to leave.

  
“What do you mean?”

  
“Is that the whole tour?”

  
“Not all of us need a staff of people to do our tours!”

  
“Oh wow”.

  
“Yes that's the whole tour...3 rooms, many bugs”.

  
Trixie laughed, “so what did you have planned or am I about to be shown the door?”

  
“No you have about half an hour before our session is up”.

  
“I'm serious!”

  
“Well I don't have a garden but I have a sofa and some movies?”

  
“I can't concentrate through a whole movie!”

  
“I also have box sets?”

  
“That could work”.

  
It was hours later and the flat was now in complete darkness, the only light coming from a small tv that had been playing back to back episodes of friends for too long to be openly admitted. The women had found themselves curled up on the side of Katyas sofa that didn't feel like the springs were seconds from bursting forward. It was cramped and hot, and yet Trixie had never felt so safe and comfortable. It was odd how domesticated they were for two people that had only kissed once.

  
Katyas head rested on the blondes shoulder, doing everything in her power not to stroke the soft denim covering Trixies legs. She turned her face slightly upwards, hoping that the butterflies dancing in her stomach would leave soon so she could make some kind of move without fear.

  
Trixie noticed the shift in her position and looked down. She studied her face like a painter would their subject. Pouring over the sharp cheekbones and hollow contours. Her eyes dark with mascara that had been smudged, her lips stained with the remainders of that days lipstick, stronger colour melted into the cracks of the dry skin. She made disheveled mean perfect.Trixie wondered how anyone could visit a museum when the art wasn't blinking up at them, eyes crinkled with a smile. How could it possibly bring them any joy?

  
She kissed her softly then, any fear dispearing as she felt a hand in her hair, lacing it's fingers through her locks and pulling gently, its nails tracing her scalp.

  
It was Katya who deepened the kiss, pulling herself up so she could rest on Trixies lap, her hands on her face and in her hair, feeling how soft she was, how easily her nimble fingers slipped through her golden curls.  
The kiss was sticky with gloss and she pulled back, using her thumb to trace Trixies bottom lip, wiping any excess pink away in a manner that felt commandingly gentle.

  
She kissed her lips once more before moving to her ear, lightly biting on the lobe, careful not to pull on the simple pearl earring that adorned it.

  
Trixie felt her move down her neck, sucking and biting in a way that she knew would leave her with a trail of bruises dotted like breadcrumbs. She didn't mind. She wanted something to remind her it had been real.

  
Katya heard her moan softly and she moved back up to her lips, silencing her with a kiss. She then got up and offered a hand, pulling the blonde up with her and wrapping her arms round her neck, kissing her once before pulling her off too her bedroom. The blue light of the tv still flickering as Trixies stomach burned at the thought of red sheets.


	6. Falling

Trixie woke up to an empty bed, her forehead damp, baby hairs clinging to the sweat coating it. She stretched, enjoying the softness of the worn sheets and the way light streamed in from an open window. She wondered how late it was. Rolling over to the clock on Katya's bedside table, she saw it was only 8am, but the atmosphere of the room made it feel like she'd been leisurely sleeping till midday.

  
She heard water shut off, and moments later Katya appeared at the door frame wrapped in a towel, her hair wet and skin for once clear of the old makeup that normally covered it. She looked radiant as the sun backlit her and Trixie smiled.

  
“Morning,” she muttered, her voice gravelly so early.

  
“Morning, you got anything planned for the day?” Katya asked, walking over to her draws to pick out a dress and comb through her freshly washed hair.

  
Trixie thought for a moment, her mind had been wiped clean of any events apart from her current situation. Nothing else seemed to matter but the curve of the older woman's spine as she leant down to pick a pair of old fishnets out a draw.

  
“I'm playing a show tonight I think? It's close to home and it's a one off for some charity event so it's no stress..” she trailed off, watching Katya slip on a long back dress, embroidered with flowers deep red and gold.

  
She turned to face her, eyes bright with excitement as she towel dried her hair, scrunching it up into wet curls.

  
“Can I come?” She asked eagerly, pouting her lips when Trixie looked unconvinced.

  
“You don't even like country music!”

  
“Pleaseeee?”

  
Trixie paused, looking at the blonde who had now dried her hair half way so it puffed out around her head in fluffy waves. Her heart hurt. Fuck it.

  
“Fine! You can come! But you're not allowed to bully me!”

  
Katya punched the air, “Yes!”

  
“I mean it bitch you're not allowed to make any Dolly Parton jokes!”

  
“Oh well that's not fair!”

  
“Katya!"

  
“Sorry! Ok fine!”

  
“Good thank you!”

  
“.....what if it's on accident?”

  
“Go and make me coffee I can't deal with your shit so early”.

  
“Why? I would have thought you'd be used to working 9 till 5?”

  
A pillow hit her head and she left still giggling.  
Trixie lay back for a second, wondering how she was going to squeeze back into her jeans from the night before…

  
-  
Normally, Katya didn't go to concerts. She hated loud spaces, preferring the recluse of her own dimly lit apartment. But being there with Trixie, sat comfortably just to the side of the stage, watching from the wings as she was introduced, she had never felt safer.

The woman held hands, Trixie now dressed in white, with a pink leather jacket and matching boots. True to her word, Katya hadn't made a single teasing comment about the get up, even though her brain was writing material quicker than her heart was pounding.

  
“So now without further adieu I'd like you all to welcome to the stage, the incomparable, TRIXIE MATTEL!”

  
The audience screamed so loudly it made Katya feel like she was dreaming. Trixie stood up, swung her guitar strap over her body winking back at the Russian as she walked onto the stage. The applause was deafening and Katya felt herself overwhelmed with pride as Trixie started to play a song she recognised from her Spotify stalking.

  
Mamma don't make me out on the dress again…  
As she sung , the audience loudly shouted along to every word, as Trixie beamed.

She looked so happy and alive, clearly relishing in every second. Katya marveled at how the novelty of performance didn't seemed to have worn off yet.

  
She played a few more songs like that, upbeat and typically country, working the audience up into a dancing frenzy. Katya danced in the wings, wishing she could tell her how incredible she was.

  
“Thank you guys!” Trixie laughed, as she finished the final chord and the crowd cheered. She waited for them to calm down before speaking again, softer this time.

"So! I've written a new song, and it's a work in progress but I wondered if you'd like to hear it?”

  
Screamed confirmed that they did.

  
“Ok then! It's a lot slower than you're used too from me so bare with!”

  
She played a soft opening chord, this time no other instruments joined in, as she plucked at strings to create a beautifully calm introduction. Silence fell, as people's heads ached to listen to the beautiful melody. Katya listened as a simple piano part was added and Trixie muttered shyly “This is falling slowly”.

  
_I don't know you_  
But I want you  
All the more for that  
Words fall through me  
And always fool me  
And I can't react  
And games that never amount  
To more than they're meant  
Will play themselves out

__  
Take this sinking boat and point it home  
We've still got time  
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice  
You'll make it now

__  
Falling slowly, eyes that know me  
And I can't go back  
Moods that take me and erase me  
And I'm painted black

_  
K_ atya listened to each word, letting them swallow her up, travel through her veins and wrap around her heart. Trixie continued, simple harmonies  were added, but the mood of the song stayed the same. There was no banjo or catchy chorus, no foot-tapping beat, just beautiful lyrics that seemed to pour out of her soul.

  
When she was done, Trixie turned to face Katya for the first time in the whole concert. She stared at her, trying to convey emotion without words. Trying desperately to tell her she loved her, and trying even harder not too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics Trixie songs are from the musical once. If you haven't heard "falling slowly" it's one of my favourite songs of all time and I thought it was so perfect for her to write for Katya!


	7. Drive

From the minute Trixie stepped off stage it'd been a blur. She'd immediately been swarmed by a flock of reporters, managers and fans who'd made huge donations to the charities cause in exchange for a meet and greet. She tried to give them all as much of her time as she could, but it meant that she was taken off to various private rooms throughout the building, leaving Katya alone. She didn't even get to ask if she'd had fun.

  
Katya didn't mind, she was more than used to getting herself home from the various random places she often awoke in, but she wished she could have spoken to the star of the hour without having to pay. It suddenly occurred to her that she couldn't have afforded to meet Trixie even if she wanted too. If they hadn't met when they had, she'd have been completely irrelevant.

  
She was still wallowing in her sudden sense of loneliness when a man approached her, large and intimidating, but with kind eyes. She found that she trusted him instantly as he smiled and said.

  
“I was told to find the pretty blonde wearing a floral dress, I assume that's you miss?”

  
“Who told you that?”

  
“And from your accent I can also see that your Russian, which means it's highly unlikely I've got the wrong woman!”

  
He smiled warmly and continued, “miss Mattel sent me to come and get you, make sure you get home safely since it doesn't look like she's going to be able to escape anytime soon”.

  
Katya laughed before reassuring the stranger that she would be fine on her own.

  
“She said you'd say that, I've been told to take no notice and drop you to your doorstep”.

  
“Well if you can't be a gentleman you may as well send one!”

  
“This way miss,” he said, before escorting her out a side door and into a sleek car, opening the door to allow her to climb in.

  
The seats had been preheated, and Katya relaxed into the warm leather. She realised that she hadn't been in a car that wasn't an uber for years. She relished in it. In the luxury of being driven home in a warm car that was especially for her. She wondered if Trixie felt like this all the time. She wondered what the singer was doing right now and she was surprised at herself, normally more than content in her own company, when she realised she missed her.

  
Trixie had been answering the same 5 questions for what felt like an eternity. Yes, she loved being at home right now. No, she wasn't currently dating anyone. Yes, she'd enjoyed the show, she was excited for the future, her new album was coming soon, she was inspired by life, her boots were custom, she would advise inspiring musicians to work hard and dream big, she loved the fans, she ignored the haters and right now she was writing new material. She wanted to scream at the monotony of it all. But she kept a huge plastic pink smile plastered on her face, eyes wide but dull, head held high but heavy.

She wished Katya was here. She knew she'd answer the questions with fresh and new ideas, uninhibited by what was acceptable and cool, simply saying what was on her mind. She'd read an interview with Katya over one with her in a heartbeat. She hoped John had found her, hoped she was safely home right now, trotting around her little apartment amongst her trinkets and paintings, falling asleep in front of a terrible movie. The thought made her smile, and she was able to answer the dull questions with a new energy.

  
It was hours later when Trixie was finally in a car home, already using half a pack of wipes to remove the thick layer of makeup clinging to her face. She remembered Katya's fresh skin out the shower this morning and sighed.

  
Max sat next to her, recently she'd started doubling as a personal assistant, she'd become too close a friend to be cleaning full time. She dug in her bag and handed Trixie back her phone.

  
“It's been buzzing non stop darling! Driving me absolutely crazy but you know I have no idea how to turn the damn thing off!”

  
Trixie grinned and took it, seeing a number of texts from her new muse.

  
_Well_

  
_That was fine._

_  
I'm kidding obviously._

_  
It was amazing but you know that it was amazing, you're rich so…_

__  
But I guess people are rich without talent!  
Loads of them! 

_  
I've just made a list and there's at least 20._

_  
But you're not one of them you're very talented. _

_  
Dolly._

_  
Sorry._

_  
Couldn't resist._

_  
Goodnight!_

_  
Come and see me soon._

  
Trixie put her phone down without replying, she didn't quite know where to start and the way they looked lined up like that, waiting for her, felt too perfect to disturb. She signed happily, before realising Max had been taking. She apologised and asked her to repeat herself.

  
Max looked irritated.

  
“That's a lot of texts, the Russian must be very needy”.

  
Trixie felt instantly defensive.

  
“That's just her, she doesn't text like normal people would, she just types what she's thinking!”

  
“And you're her sounding-board?”

  
“It's not like that!” Trixie muttered, irritated that Max would try and ruin this for her.

  
“Well you didn't reply so it seems like a one sided stream of consciousness!”  

  
“You don't know her Max”.

  
“Well neither do you! You've met her all of 4 times!” She said, exasperated.

  
“You don't get it Max, she's special…” Trixie hated the words as soon as they left her mouth. They sounded cliche and childish. She saw herself through Max's eyes. A child with no idea what she was doing. Stumbling blindly into something that could only end in heartbreak.

  
“Do you have any idea how ridiculous you're being! I see you do this time and time again!”

  
“Do what!” She yelled, although she knew exactly what Max was talking about.

  
Trixie was shouting now, visibly upset that her perfect little thing was being torn down by a supposed friend.

  
“You fall in love at first sight! You're living like you're in the notebook and it's just not realistic!”

  
“It's different this time. I can feel it.”

  
“You say that everytime”. 

Silence fell as Trixie fumed. With tears in her eyes she stared at her lap at the texts that had once made her feel light, and now made her feel like someone was sitting on her chest. 

Max just looked tired.

  
Katya made sure to open her blinds before going to bed, comforted that the sunlight would fill her apartment when she woke up, just like it had that morning when it shone on Trixies face. Sweaty and tangled, her mouth slightly agape, she still looked so beautiful it made Katya's heart hurt. She'd pulled herself away to go and shower, not wanting to still be staring when she opened her eyes. Katya wished she was laying with her in the dark, laughing and whispering like they had they night before. Maybe she didn't like being on her own quite as much as she thought. 


	8. Tears

Trixie hadn't stopped all day. Her album was coming out in just a few weeks and she still hadn't recorded all of the songs. It felt almost impossible for her to answer interview questions when the product was incomplete. She didn't want to sell anyone short, and she felt like a liar.

  
She still hadn't replied to Katyas texts after her argument with Max, and after 3 days they'd really started to pile up. Although she wanted to reply so badly she felt like smashing her phone to take away the temptation, she knew she couldn't. Max was right, she always does this. Time and time again she'd fallen deeply and all at once for a girl who turned out to not be that interested. It hurt so much each time it felt like she couldn't possibly survive another one. Not again. Her phone buzzed but she just played louder. Not again.

  
Katya had been waiting for her shift to end for what felt like forever. She needed to talk to Adore, or Justin, or anyone really.

  
She burst out of the fire exit, knowing she'd find her friend getting slowly stoned to survive the second part of her shift.

  
“Adore?”

  
“Hey baby, what's up?”

  
Katya suddenly felt close to tears. It wasn't the first time since meeting Trixie she'd surprised herself with her own behaviour but she was confused nevertheless. She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried properly.   
Tearfully, she explained the Trixie situation, how everything was so perfect and how it was suddenly so wrong.

Adore listened with an attentiveness she'd never shown before, clearly sensing this wasn't an issue that could be made light off. After all, Katya wasn't one to cry. 

How many times have you texted her?” Asked Adore, moving closer to comfort her friend, who was now biting her lip to keep herself together.

  
“Wayyyy to many too be cool”.

  
Adore giggled slightly, knowing Katya's manic brain and how it translated through technology.

  
“Maybe it's that! Maybe I've sent too many, do you think she felt overwhelmed by them?” She groaned.

  
Adore frowned. “No. No from what you've described with the song and the sex she's really into you. I don't know why she's not replying it doesn't make any sense…”

  
“See! This is what happens when you open up a crack! And don't laugh at the word crack,” she said noticing Adore smirk, “this is very serious business!”

  
They both laughed, and the motion of slightly relaxing meant Katya started crying properly. It felt weird and vulnerable but Adore held her as she sobbed. It was ok she realised, she was safe her with this hippy.

  
Trixie couldn't write. She only needed one more song and she couldn't write. Her feelings for Katya had been buried as far down as she could hold them, and she felt numb from it. If she let herself feel for even a second she'd be in her car on the way to her apartment, or her work, or fucking Russia to beg her forgiveness for the neglect. She couldn't do that though. Strumming another chord she cursed how soft she was. She'd closed the blinds, the sun was hurting her eyes.

  
Katya had come home early, feigning a stomach bug, backed up by Adore who had said she was with her when she'd thrown up in the staff bathroom, and promised to be over later. For now though she was alone, staring down at the screen of her phone where it's bright light reminded her that she had no texts.

  
She went to the kitchen and made herself some coffee and assembled a plate of snacks from what she could scavenge from the cupboards. Noodles seasoned with whatever she could find, and an apple, carefully carved so the brown bits could be thrown away. She considered adding cookies but the only ones she had were long since stale, and she wasn't even very hungry anyway.

  
She sat down to eat, pretending not to be interested in her silent phone.

 

  
“Trixie?” 

She'd heard Max call her but she didn't answer, still angry from their fight and its consequences. Her voice only got louder however.

  
“Trixie!” 

 

Finally she shouted back that she was in the kitchen. Max wondered in blinking a little to adjust to how dark the room was. She went to open the blinds, stopping when she heard Trixie say, “Leave them, the light from the gardens hurting my head”.

  
Max sighed walking over to her friend, careful not to stand to close and make her leave.

  
“Trix I'm sorry. I was harsh”.

  
“Yeah. You were”.

  
“I just worry! I've seen what happened when you get like this!”

  
“Well you'll be pleased to know I haven't replied to any of her texts”.

  
“You know that's not going to make me happy darling”.

  
“Well it sure seemed like that's what you wanted!”

  
“Trixie…”

"I don't want to talk about it. I took your advice, I'll call her later and tell her whatever we had is over now. Nip it in the bud”. 

“Trixie!” 

"No you were right! I'm being stupid! I can't do it to myself again”.

  
“Would you shut up?” Max said, her sudden change of tone startling the blonde.

“Excuse me?”

“You need to stop this tantrum!”

"So I'm childish for falling in love, I'm childish for trying to claw my way out of it, I'm-”

  
“Oh my god Trixie!”

  
“What?”

  
  
“Text her back!”

  
“What?”

  
“Text her back you stupid bitch! Break your heart, you clearly want too!”

  
“But you said-”

  
“I know what I said and I was right. You're an idiot. But sometimes you have to take the risk. Plus, I can't deal with another second of sulking. I quit being a nanny for a reason I'm done fucking fraternising with children”.

  
There was a silence.

  
Trixie opened her phone carefully, typed a message and sent it quickly. Any traces of her dark mood fading away as she saw that it had been read almost instantly. She smiled for the first time in days.

  
“Can I open the fucking blinds now?”

  
Trixie laughed.

  
“Yes”.


	9. Dress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm drunk pls enjoy I'll edit when the wines worn off :)

Katya was embarrassed at how instantly she'd forgiven Trixie. How quickly any upset caused by her ghosting had been forgotten, and replaced with feverish excitement that she was going to see her again.

  
The car was coming in an hour and everything she owned that was somewhat decent was dirty. She'd panicked and pulled on leather jeans and a shirt she'd brought on sale years back with “let's party” embroidered onto with gold sequins. She laughed looking at her reflection, so far removed from her normal image. She decided she didn't care and set about braiding her hair into a artful nest. She felt like herself when she heard a buzz.

  
“Katya? It's John. Trixies in the car, we figured it was safest she stayed there”.

  
Katya laughed to herself, picturing how her neighbours would react to seeing Trixie dressed in her normal clothes. She looked like a walking opportunity for theft, the smell of money wafted off her with every step she took. Even the last time she'd been here, dressed as casually as she could,her clothes were still pristine, her hair clearly a professional job. Nobody in Katya's neighbourhood has their hair done in a salon. You cut it yourself or a local woman who went by “Trish” came and cut it for you for almost nothing.

  
Not for the first time, while walking down to meet John did Katya think about how weird it was to be dating someone famous. She'd been so used to scraping by for so long, she was surprised at how natural it felt to greet Trixies bodyguard like an old friend, and walk to where a baby pink Mercedes was tactically parked around the corner from her building. She wondered if it was weird for Trixie too.  
Trixie saw her coming through the tinted window, jaw dropping slightly at the shape and length of her legs in the black jeans. She looked cool. The last word she'd use normally to describe Katya was cool and yet there she was, chatting with John like they'd known each other for years, tattered boots stomping as she came nearer to the car.

  
She clambered into the back seat once John had opened the door for her and finally they were together. Katya smiled.

  
“Well I haven't seen you in a while”.

  
“I've apologized a million times,” Trixie whined back.

  
“All I'm saying is this restaurant better be really nice…”

  
“It is. I fully used every aspect of my privilege”.

  
“I'm not eating snails”.

  
“Then get out the car”.

  
The both grinned.

  
“I missed you. You worried me,” Katya muttered, her smile fading slightly at the authenticity of her words.

  
“I know and I'm sorry and I'm back now!”

  
There was a pause before Trixie quietly added, “I really missed you too…”

  
“This is getting mushy I'm cutting it off!”

  
“You started it!”

  
“We're not even together you can't go all valentines day on me now!”

  
“Well do you want to be together?”

  
Katya opened her mouth to answer before John pulled back the partition and asked,  
“Trixie where is this place?”

  
She gave him the address, not yet decided as to whether she was relieved or disappointed Katya hadn't answered. There was another pause before Katya silently took her hand, a small signal that everything was good again. Trixie squeezed back, and told herself to remember the feeling of peace such a small gesture had given her if she ever needed to find it again.

  
They chatted the whole way to the restaurant about nothing in particular until they arrived at one of the tallest buildings Katya had ever seen, located right at the centre of the city. Doormen were stationed at the entrance and Katya looked at Trixie in horror.

  
“No! No this is too fancy I'm in jeans!”

  
“They're leather jeans!”

  
“Their PLETHER bitch I can't afford leather! My shirt is sequinned!”

  
Trixie put her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.

  
“You look beautiful and there's no dress code!”

  
“Babe….”

  
Babe? She'd never called her babe before. She realised she loved the way it sounded coming from her mouth, domestic and casually affectionate. Trixie pulled out her phone.

  
“Hello? Hi Fame it's Trixie! Yes I'm fine I'm fine how are you? Good! Listen I'm only calling to ask if you're still at work?”

  
She listened for a minute as Katya sat confused.

  
“Amazing! Great timing! I need a favour, I'm about 5 minutes away from your studio how soon do you think you could lend me a dress? Just something simple...black if you have it? No it's not for me, it's for my date. She's a little underdressed for the heights…”

  
Katya heard talking and laughter from the other end of the phone but she couldn't figure out what was being said.

  
“Great! Ok I'll swing by and send her in, don't touch her hair it's perfect”.

  
She hung up and turned smiling.

  
“That was a friend of mine, she's on a shoot at the minute and they just wrapped, of you want you can go and steal a dress from the rack?”

  
“Won't they all be model sizes?”

  
“Katya…you are a model size?”

  
“Oh yeah!”

  
Trixie laughed, shaking her head at how dazed the Russian looked.

  
“So how about it? May as well look the part if you want too?”

  
She nodded excitedly and Trixie gave John some quick directions.

  
“Wait Trix, won't we be late for the reservation?”

  
“They can wait”.

  
Katya didn't want to admit quite how much that turned her on.

  
They pulled up outside a warehouse and both women walked inside, Katya was beginning to learn that when she was with Trixie, nobody questioned her. Trixie opened doors that were previously closed, to her and the rest of the world. She was the prettiest skeleton key the world had ever known.

  
A tall woman with incredible makeup came running up to Trixie, arms widespread.

  
“Babbbyyy!! It's been too long!”

  
“Fame honey I miss you when your away doing all your fancy fashion things!”

  
“Well I miss you too when your holed away writing! You need to get out more sweetie I hear your turning into a hermit!”

  
“Hardly, I already go out far too much for my liking.....OH! And this is Katya!” 

Fame stepped forward and warmly embraced her, and Katya swore she could feel every single one of the new woman's ribs pressed against her.

  
“So you're my model for today!”

  
“I guess so!”

  
“Well come with me I found one black one in your size, it's very simple I think it might just suit anyone! Even you!”

  
Katya could tell from her short meeting with Fame that comments like that probably weren't meant to offend, rather a result of a thin filter. And she didn't care what anyone said when Trixie, in all her doll-like perfection was standing next to her so proudly.

  
Fame beckoned for them to follow and Katya grabbed Trixies hand and trotted along behind.  
A beautiful silk dress was thrust into her hands, the material thin and delicate, the straps sewn so they created a web across her back. She nearly gasped aloud as she felt that it weight almost nothing in her arms.

  
“Go try this!” Fame instructed, waving Katya in the direction of a small door into what looked to be a changing room.

  
Trixie and Fame chatted for a while while she changed, catching up on every aspect of their lives that had been missed while they'd both been working. Until the door opened again.  
Katya stood, looking slightly nervous, in the floor length black gown. The silk skimmed down her slim figure, brushing against her hips and her breasts effortlessly, the neckline tastefully skimming across her chest meaning her sharp collar bones were exposed as they jutted out against her light skin, the black of the dress only serving to make her paler. She looked more stunning than she ever had and Trixie wished she could stop time and write hours of music about the way she looked like a illustration of a film star.

  
“Well shit,” said Fame, breaking the silence.  
Katya blushed as she laughed.

  
“Agreed,” Trixie murmured, seemingly caught up in her own thoughts.

  
Katya walked forward, and Trixie noticed she hadn't changed her heavy boots for the heels that had been laid out. She was glad. She still looked like Katya.

  
“You look beautiful,” she said as she came closer.

  
The absence of a smart comments or joke took Katya aback, as she looked back into Trixies earnest eyes. She realised she felt beautiful too.

  
They left after thanking Fame a few more times than necessary and John let out a low whistle when they got back into the car.

  
“Damn Kat!” He said, “I want to take you out myself!”

  
Katya smiled as she felt Trixie place a protective hand over hers. She liked that she could feel a tinge of jealousy coming off her joking tone as she laughed along with Johns playful banter. It felt possessive. She was surprised to find she liked it. She took the hand Trixie was holding and moved it onto her leg, higher than strictly necessary. Trixie smirked, the smirk widened when she moved her hand higher.

  
They arrived back at the tall building, this time walking in confidently, pleased to note the whispers of everyone around them. Katya knew they looked good together.

  
“Miss Mattel! We were worried you weren't coming! Everything's set out, will you still be eating with us?”

  
“Yes please Matthew, we'd like to go up straight away if that's cool , I haven't eaten yet today…”

  
“Skinny legend,” she heard Katya mutter. 

She laughed shortly.

  
“Very good miss follow me!”

  
The elevator ride made Katya's ears pop twice but she didn't care, she was too busy trying not to laugh at how Trixie was speaking to the waiter. He kept talking to her like she was royalty, and she replied in a manner of someone speaking to an old friend. Her casual replies to his prim questions made Katya fall for her even harder.

  
They finally arrived at the highest floor in the building, and Katya was struck by the room. Glass walls meant a night view of the city skyline was stretched out as far as you could see, the lights from the bustling buildings were the only thing lighting up the room.  
They were sat at a table directly next to the windows. A waiter pulled out a chair and Katya thanked him and sat down with uncharacteristic grace. They were finally alone after a bottle of champagne on ice had been brought over, and steak had been ordered for Katya; and some vegetable thing had been ordered for Trixie.

  
“Well, I'm glad I'm not wearing my original outfit!” Katya smiled, looking at how Trixies face was lit up by the city lights. She wanted to kiss her so badly it hurt but she knew that leaning over the table in order to make out would mostly likely be frowned upon in such a fancy establishment.

  
Trixie took a deep breath, encouraged by champagne to speak her mind for once.  
“You look so stunning I almost can't believe you're really here”.

  
There was a pause as Katya caught her breath. Nobody had ever spoken to her like that.

  
“Well you can tell you're a writer!” She laughed, stopping when she saw Trixie was only smiling in return.

  
“I'm so serious,” she said, eyes not moving from Katya's face.

  
There was a silence as they studied each other. Feeling brave Trixie added,  
“Honestly if you could see yourself right now you'd be a writer too”.

  
Katya felt like she was floating.

  
“I don't want anyone else,” she finally said, eyes wide and serious as she looked back at Trixie. She hoped she picked up on the fact she was answering her earlier question. 

  
“Me neither. I'm kind of obsessed with you”.

  
“Kind of?”

  
“I'm obsessed with you”.

  
“Well then”.

  
“Well then”.

  
“What does that mean!”

  
“Your meals ladies!” A waiter said, placing their impressive looking plates in front of them.

  
They thanked them and ate in silence, Trixie thinking about how watching Katya eat meat was making her rethink her dietary choices. 

  
They finished their meals and ordered desert, hardly a word had been said until Trixie spoke.

  
“You're too far away”.

  
“I'm only a metre across the table!”

  
“Too far”.

  
Katya moved into the chair beside her and rested her head on the blondes shoulder automatically.

  
Trixie looked down at her, thinking about how perfect she looked calmly sitting there, sipping a Diet Coke.

  
She softly took her chin, moving it so her face was turned upwards and kissed her. She didn't care that people turned to stare, didn't care that disapproving mutters surrounded them. She only cared about how soft her lips felt, and how dizzy she made her.

  
Katya looked dazed.

  
“Will you just be my girlfriend? Can we skip the next few dates of getting to know eachother better? I feel like you know me too well already”.

  
“Obviously”. 


	10. Camara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This starts exactly where chapter 9 left off, I don't know if that was clear so I figured I'd quickly clarify! Thank you so much to everyone that's leaving kudos and especially commenting, my heart leaps everytime I get a notification:)  
> Also, I read this again this morning and found a million changes I wanted to make, so I've made them and hopefully it reads slightly better now.

“Your bill Miss Mattel”.

  
Katya coughed as she glanced at the amount.  
“Shit Trixie!” She said, watching as she handed over her bank card without blinking.

  
“What?”

  
“I pay less for a months rent!”

  
Trixie laughed and kissed her check soothingly.  
“It's fine! It's a really fancy place I was expecting it to be more actually…”

  
“More!”

  
“Katya you're shouting”.

  
“Sorry…but more?”

  
“I like to spend money on nice things babe, it makes me happy”.

  
“It's just so MUCH money…”

  
Trixie stood up and took her hand, thanking the waiter as they started to walk out of the restaurant and back into the elevator.

  
“Katya I grew up in the rural Midwest with literally nothing. I didn't get a Christmas present until I was 13 and all my clothes were donated to us. I like reminding myself that I have money now. My kids are going to have legendary Christmas’s…”

  
Katya squeezed her hand, unsure of what to say. She couldn't picture Trixie without money, she seemed so comfortable in it. She didn't spend it like someone who'd been deprived, she spent it like it was something she'd always had, like it meant nothing. Katya guessed that that must be the imagine she was trying to portray, cover up any trace of the poor little country girl that santa forgot. The thought made her grab her arm, holding on tightly, trying to wordlessly let her know that she was there. That she was heard. That she mattered. Her heart fluttered when she remembered that they were official now...Trixie was her girlfriend. She let her mind wonder. She wondered if maybe one day their kids Christmas’s would be legendary…..wait. Kids? Her single glass of champagne had clearly gone to her head. She brushed the thought from her mind, cursing herself internally for being such a lesbian stereotype.

  
They were back in the car when Trixie realised how much she'd actually drunk. She felt giddy from the bubbles and giggled at nothing, throwing her head back freely as she let the cool air of the open window soothe her hot face. Katya smiled at the sight of it. She'd never looked younger.

  
John offered to take Katya home but Trixie had begged her to stay. Katya couldn't have refused her even if she'd wanted too, and she didn't.

  
“Did you have fun?” Trixie asked, turning from where she'd been watching the world go by out the window.

  
“It was beautiful…”

  
“I'm really glad you liked it, I could show you more places like that if you wanted?”

  
Katya laughed at how her voice sounded like Willy Wonka, promising treasures beyond her wildest dreams. She'd never needed treasure.

"I'm not really bothered about stuff like that Trix, I just want you…”

  
Trixie beamed.

  
John pulled up outside and Katya felt weirdly at home. She was all too aware she'd only set foot in this house twice before, but something about the memories in it made the connection stronger than any other place outside of her own home. She felt it calling her, like she was meant to be there. Jesus, she was becoming so clique.She didn't care about her new found inner softie as Trixie kissed her without warning. Wasting no time in pinning her to the wall the hallway. Katya noticed Max hadn't been there to greet them. She assumed she'd been given forewarning.

  
Pressed against the wall Katya allowed herself to melt into Trixie, looping her fingers in the waistband of her skirt and pulling her closer so her whole weight was pressed up against her. Trixie broke the kiss smiling as she felt Katya's urgent hands at the buttons of her blouse. She undid them skillfully one by one, with the hands of a seamstress, she quickly made light work of it. Trixie moaned softly as she felt the soft material of her shirt fall off her shoulders, and she took her hands of Katya for just a moment as she allowed it to drop to the floor. Katya smiled and pulled the zipper at the back of her pencil skirt down. Laughing, Trixie allowed that to fall too, until she stood in a matching set of pink lace underwear.

Katya grinned at the sight. Of course they were pink.

  
“How are you so on brand all the time?” 

  
“I don't know ask my dresser”.

  
“No way, this was all you”.

  
“True," Trixie replied smiling, "What did your dresser pick for you?”

  
“Find out”.

  
Trixie almost didn't want to take the beautiful dress off, still in awe of how stunning her girlfriend looked in it. She was also very aware she was practically naked standing in the hallway of her house. She stepped back a little, reaching for her discarded shirt and slipping it on. Katya looked confused.

  
“I spent so much time getting that damned thing off and now you're going to undo all my efforts?”

  
Trixie laughed.

  
“I've left it unbuttoned! And I'd rather not have sex with you in my hallway if that's cool!”

  
“Hmm,” Katya replied in a huff, reluctantly taking her hands away from Trixies hips where they'd been gripping so tightly Trixie was expecting there to be red indentations where her fingers had been. 

  
The Russian followed her down the hall, making no secret of the fact that she was enjoying the view she was receiving.

  
She realised that Trixie hadn't shown her the bedroom in their tour. She wondered why but decided that it didn't matter. Nothing really seemed to matter as she kissed her again, her noisy brain silenced for once. She was greatful for the peace. Her only thoughts were occupied wondering what Trixie would say when she realised she didn't have on fancy pink underwear like she did. She seemed to have accidently neglected too put any on at all actually...but she didn't think she would mind.

  
Naturally, Trixies sheets were the lightest pink imaginable.They reminded Katya of a illustration she’d seen in the bible she’d been forced to read every night growing up. It was the colour of the clouds God sat on, surrounded by angels. She looked at Trixie laid out below her and smiled at the thought that her cloud had an angel too. Yet another cheesy clique! What was happening to her? Once again she decided she didn't care as Trixies soft hands pushed the skirt of her dress up her thighs as she straddled her, releasing a sigh when she didn't feel any other fabric, just naked skin. She shivered.

  
She felt Katya's sharp teeth against her neck, knowing that she'd leave her signature trail of love bites. She didn't want to stop her, the makeup crew would just have to find a way to cover them for the next morning's press day. She made sure to leave her own trail in return, causing Katya to grind more firmly into her lap in response. Katyas hands were everywhere, so it was way too long before Trixie was finally able too pull the black silk over her head, leaving her fully naked. Katya waited for the usual sense of vunrability to wash over her but she realised she didn't feel exposed as she normally did. This already felt safe and natural with Trixie, like they'd been doing it for years. She wondered briefly if soulmates were real and decided that if they were she'd found hers. She was sure of that. She kissed her again, trying to pour all the passion she was capable of into it, and then roughly pushed her so she was laying back on the bed, grinning as she kissed every part of the blondes body, slowly travelling lower, and starting too discard the lace that was in her way. Suddenly, a camera flashed. Trixie screamed as they both looked horrified to the window that took up a whole wall of the room. The flash went off once more before they heard the sound of swearing and running. Trixie lept to the side, pressing a button under her bedside table that set a shrieking alarm off and lights filled the garden with blinding white. Katya's eyes involuntary filled with tears as she watched as the man with the camara was tackled too the floor by two men she'd never seen before. She wondered why they hadn't stopped him before he came in before.

She hadn't realised that she was still naked before she felt Trixie gently place a robe over her shoulders.

  
“Katya…” she started, looking for words that weren't there, “I'm sorry...look they have him and those photos...any photos will never see the light of day I swear”.

  
“He might have already sent them to whoever wanted them?”

  
“Then I'll get them back all they want is money and I have that”.

  
Katya couldn't help the small sob that escaped her and Trixie knelt in front of her, looking whiter than she ever had before. Katya had never seen Trixie scared.

  
“I'm so so sorry baby”.

  
Katya just nodded. She was a woman who rarely left her house. Who would do anything to avoid any part of her being shared with others, and yet here she was, at her most vulnerable in photos that might be currently splashed all over the internet. Oh god. She dad would really never speak to her again now.

  
“I asked the normal staff to leave us alone, there weren't enough people here I'm sorry…”

  
The alarms were still going off. Katya wondered if this was God's doing, after her thoughts earlier. “See me in your sin again I dare you!” She could almost hear him laugh.

  
The women sat with coffee an hour later in Trixie's kitchen. It was late, Katya's eyes itched but she still felt in shock. The paps phone had been checked, the photos had been sent, it was too late to get them back. She couldn't remember when she stopped crying and switched to praying.

  
Trixie hadn't got off the phone the entire time. Desperately calling every lawyer she knew, every publisher, every blogger, anyone she could think of that could help her.

  
When nobody could, she came and sat down next to Katya, who was gripping a full mug of coffee that had long since turned cold.

  
For the first time that night, Trixie let herself cry.


	11. Press

People started arriving at Trixies house within the next half an hour, rubbing the sleep out their eyes, bedheads left untouched as they opened laptops and made phone calls. The kitchen was soon filled with the sound of urgency.

  
Katya had changed into one of Trixies sweatsuits. It was grey and she was grateful that it let her blend into the background. She didn't know what to do. She was living her absolute worst nightmare and her mind kept picturing herself splashed across the tabloids, completely naked with one of the world's biggest stars.

She pictured her family, not only their reaction but the humiliation they would have to endure from everyone around them. It was bad enough she way gay. That fact alone meant they had been all but exiled from their community. Russia was a very different place.   
She tried to put this thought aside in an effort not to cry and her eyes wandered over to Trixie. Her makeup was still firmly in place and her blonde hair was still perfectly set in its curls. She envied her slightly then, catching a glimpse of her own gaudy appearance in the reflection of her dark phone screen. Her hair, previously carefully curled, had been thrown up in a scrunchie, it had been in her way, sticking to the tear tracks on her face. Her lipstick had been wiped off, but the red stained around her mouth. She looked crazy. She felt crazy.

  
She hadn't spoken to Trixie since everyone had started arriving, and she didn't know where they stood. She felt completely betrayed and she wasn't sure why. This wasn't Trixies fault! But then she remembered that she knew the risks of her stardom. She had security guards for a reason dammit and she'd sent most of them home! She knew why she'd done it though…to feel more normal. To be private life other couples were and should be. Not worrying about a whole host of people being around her house. How could it feel like home when she was never alone! It must be maddening! Katya felt sympathy replace her anger, and for a moment, she was calm.But then her mind started to once again picture the photos. Oh god. Those photos. How could she have let this happen. Katya had been right that the inside of her apartment with the blinds drawn, alone, was the best place to be. Nobody could get her there. She longed to return to the safety of her cave.

  
A woman in a disheveled business suit came and sat next to her, hanging up the phone as she did.

  
“Katya?” She said, extending a hand for her to shake.

  
“Yes?”

  
“I'm Michelle, I just thought I'd update you on the whole…”she coughed slightly, “situation…”

  
Katya nodded, shaking her hand.

  
“So here's where we are. We've tracked the photos down to the tabloid that wants to publish them, and it's actually an physical paper not an online blog”.

  
“Is that good?”

  
“It's fantastic. They'll have less freedom as to what they can post. An online blog could link those photos as long as they issued a warning, but a physical paper would have to adhere to decency laws...also a blog would want those photos for the shock factor. It's how they make people click...not to mention papers are suffering financially, so they'll be more open to bribes”.

  
“And we can bribe them?”

  
“Well we're hoping not to have too, we're seeing what they would take instead”.

  
“What does that mean?”

  
“Well it Trixie gave them an exclusive song or something along those lines, it would gain more attention than some photos that could easily be photoshopped”.

  
“Right”.

  
“This is good Katya, smile!”

  
“Whys it good?”

  
“We've started a conversation. Those photos aren't lost in the void anymore”.

  
Katya started to cry. She couldn't help it, but once she started she couldn't stop. Michelle seemed to shed her businesslike persona, and transform into a mother before her eyes. Wrapping her arms around the blonde and letting her sob into her shoulder.

  
“I don't know what's wrong with me!” She sniffed, “I've gone from crying once in 5 years to crying enough to fill a bath in a week!”

  
Michelle smiled slightly.

  
“Cryings healthy”.

  
“I know that. But I don't do it”.

  
“Your running mascara says otherwise.”

  
A man stood up in the centre of the room, as Michelle gently handed Katya a fresh tissue from her pocket.

  
“Attention everyone! We've managed to reach an agreement with these bastards!”

  
There was a cheer and Katya's heart leapt out of her chest with the faint glimmer of hope.

  
“What's the agreement?” Michelle called, and everyone looked back at the new man.

  
“See that's the catch…”

  
There was a groan from the listening crowd.

  
“They want a song. They want it to be officially announced that Trixie Mattel has written a new song for her new girlfriend and they want to debut it, along with an interview and photos about the relationship. And they want it by the morning".

  
Silence fell.

  
“But it's already so late?”

  
“Yeah well, try telling them that. They say they need it as soon as possible so they can include it in the mondays issue. A reporter and a photographer are coming round as soon as they can. Everyone play nice”.

  
Katya looked panicked. It was hard for her to trust even one person, and now the whole world was going to know her business. She'd almost rather the photos were out there, at least she'd been relatively anonymous.   
She glanced over to Trixie would was already looking at her. A flash of worry encompassing her face as she saw she’d been crying. She walked over.

  
“Katya?” 

Michelle subtly got up and left.

  
“Hmm?"

  
“Is all of this ok with you?”

  
She didn't reply, staring intently down at her lap.

  
“Look I know it's a lot. It's way to much actually”.

  
“Well…”

  
“But you don't have to do it! I've spoken to Matt if you say you want no part in this whole stupid thing we can hire someone to play you”.

  
“What do you mean?”

  
“We can call someone in, they can be blonde and your body type and she can pretend she's the girl I'm dating”.

  
“Forever?”

  
“Just for a little while”.

  
“So you'd have to hide me?”

  
“We'd have to hide us for a while”.

  
“I don't know if I can do that. I've spent too long trying to stop doing that”.

  
“I know babe”.

  
“Jesus this is a mess”.

  
“Katya…”

  
“What?”

  
“You're crying”.

  
She brought a hand up and wiped the tears that she hadn't realised were falling. She pulled herself together and looked up at Trixie, who seemed so sad it broke her heart. She realised she wasn't angry anymore. She tried to grasp ahold of the resentment again, but it had disaperated like smoke. She realised she couldn't hate her. She couldn't even hold a grudge. It was why she’d forgiven her so quickly when she ignored her, when she hadn't come back to her shop, when she'd neglected to give her any way to get in touch with her after they'd kissed. And right now. When she'd forgiven her again for allowing those photos to be taken. She'd made more sacrifices at the expense of her pride to Trixie Mattel than she had to anything else in her life. And in doing so she'd let her guard down. She'd allowed herself to be used because losing her was worse than losing dignity. She'd follow her to the ends of the earth she thought. There was no going back now.

  
She kissed her then, trying to pull the sadness from her expression. She felt her smile under her lips.

  
“I'll do it,” she muttered, pulling away.

  
“Yeah?”

  
“Yes”.

  
A woman approached them both smiling warmly.

  
“Hey Jinkx,” Trixie greeted her wearily.

  
“Darling! I couldn't help but overhear you agree! I have all my tools with me!”

  
She pointed over to while 3 large black cases that were stacked haphazardly in the corner of the room.

  
“Katya, Jinkx is my makeup artist”.

  
Jinkx frowns slightly looking at Katya's messy up-do.

   
“I also do hair,” she commented and Katya laughed shortly.

  
It was an hour later, and Katya had been carefully painted to perfection. Her usual red lip and smokey eye were reapplied with professional precision, and her tear stained face carefully washed and covered in various magical lotions and potions. She looked in the mirror, in awe of how Jinkx had transformed such a mess into a face she felt happy being photographed with.

  
Trixie hadn't changed. There was no need to do anything to her except fix her lipstick, and although a fresh coat of paint would have been nice, there wasn't time.

  
The team from the paper had arrived and were greeted by icy silence. They reddened under the harsh glare of the roomful of people who hated everything they stood for.

  
The ringleader coughed.

  
“Shall we begin?”

  
Trixie wanted to spit.

  
They posed on Trixies sofa, sitting stiffly, trying not to let more tears slip out with the rage that consumed them.

  
“This isn't working, you're looking into the camera like you hate it”.

  
“They do!” Called Jinkx, before she was quickly silenced by Michelle, who was standing next to her arms crossed, her lips pressed tightly together.

  
The cameraman smiled smugly. 

  
“Girls if you don't make these photos worth our while you know we're going to have no other choice but to realise some...more interesting ones”.

  
John could be heard practically growling from the other side of the room.

  
There was a murmer of voices from the otherside of the room. Unintelligible whispers that Katya strained to hear. Michelle walked over to the pair of them quickly, heels clacking on the tiles. She lent close to Trixies ear, holding up a hand to prevent lip reading. Trixies lips curled into a smile that she hid quickly.

  
“Look pretty Kat,” she murmered,her face now the bright mask she normally plastered on during shoots.

  
Katya was confused at her sudden change in attitude, but followed her lead, smiling brightly despite her anger.

  
“What did Michelle say?” She finally asked when the photographer seemed happy.

  
“They have something”.

  
“What do they have?”

  
“She didn't have time to explain”.

  
A stern looking man with a recorder approached them then, looking suspicious of their whispering.

  
“Ladies! Ready to answer some questions!”

  
Trixie smiled cooly.

  
“Yep”.

  
“So when did you girls meet?”

  
“900 years ago”.

  
“Be serious Miss Mattel”.

  
“Fine. We met in another life”.

  
“Trixie”.

  
Katya could see Trixies team had sped up, making frantic phone calls, typing so fast on computers their fingers blurred. Trixie was trying to bide time.

  
“We met a few weeks ago. We moved fast”.

  
“Where?”

  
“Where what?”

  
He sighed, clearly growing impatient.

  
“Where did you meet?”

  
“Where the sun meets the sea”.

  
“I haven't got time for this!”

  
“I was just being poetic!”

  
He turned his attention to Katya.

  
“How about you? Are you going to cooperate?”

  
Katya nodded.

  
“Where did you meet?”

  
Katya saw Michelle was smiling.

  
“We met today”.

  
“Today?”

  
“Yeah”.

  
“Is that true?”

  
“No”.

  
He turned a deep shade of angery red and opened his mouth to speak when Michelle strode forward, holding out a phone.

  
“Trixie it's for you”.

  
Trixie took it eagerly.

  
“Yes?”

She listened for a while, smiling.

  
“Yes I'll tell him. Thank you”.

  
She passed the phone back to Michelle and turned back to face the reporter.

  
“My lawyers will be in touch, we have the photos, they've been confiscated while your blog is under investigation”.

  
“What?” He scoffed.

  
“Turns out you've been breaking a lot off laws sir! Well...your company has”.

  
He turned white.

  
“We've done no such thing”.

  
“Oh but you have! You really shouldn't have given us cause to start an investigation but since you did my teams managed to dig up a goldmine of dirt!”

  
“What do you want?”

  
“I don't want anything! You've got nothing on me anymore and you're most likely out of the job. Get out my house”.

  
Michelle looked like she was about to keel over.

  
“Thank you everyone! I'll find some way to reward you for your hard work and loyalty but I think right now we all need to go to bed”.

  
There was a mutter of agreement and the reporters were escorted from the premise as everyone packed up.

  
Katya was still standing, mouth open.

  
“How...how did you do that?”

  
Trixie laughed. The relief on her face made Katyas breathing slow to its normal rate.

  
“I didn't do anything! I just have a really good team”.

  
“Do you know what the dirt is? What laws did they break?”

  
“I have no idea, and right now I'm too tired to care”.

  
Katya yawned, suddenly aware it was the early hours of the morning.

  
“You were really willing to do all that?” Trixie smiled. 

  
“Do what?”

  
“The photos? The interview?”

  
“Yes”.

  
“For me?”

  
“Don't make it gay Tracy".


	12. Pancakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a nothing, fluffy chapter I wrote because I put them through a lot in the last few...Plus I couldn't let anything bad happen when Trixie just won her first challenge!

Waking up next to Trixie was just as she'd remembered. Peaceful. The sun steamed in from the open blinds and Katya felt safe, knowing security had been tripled since the events of the previous night.

  
She stretched, feeling the softness of the cotton against her skin, the warmth from Trixie radiating from her side of the bed. She couldn't understand how her natural temperature resembled that of a radiator, whereas she swore her blood had been replaced with liquid nitrogen as a child.

  
She laid there for a moment, just enjoying the feeling. Until Trixie started to stir, clearly having felt eyes on her. Katya quickly adjusted her position, trying to make it less obvious she'd been staring.

  
“Morning,” Trixie mumbled sleepily.

 

Unlike Katya, she was not a morning person. At all. But knowing the Russian was next to her made the whole experience of waking up, considerably better.

  
Katya grinned in reply, as Trixie wiped the sleep from her eyes and yawned.

  
“What are you up too today?”

  
“Working…”

  
“What a way to make a living…” Katya sung back quietly.

  
“I swear we're going to break up and I won't look back”.

  
“Worth it, as I've already said”.

  
“Are you working too?”

  
“Oui!”

  
“Can I drive you?”

  
“You can make me breakfast first?”

  
“When did you become so high maintenance?”

  
“I very quickly adapt to my surroundings”.

  
“Like a chameleon?”

  
“With the skin texture to match”.

  
Trixie laughed.

  
“What do you want for breakfast you scaly bitch?”

  
Katya hummed as she thought a moment.

  
“Pancakes”.

  
“You're a child”.

  
“What does that make you?”

  
“Don't be gross”.

  
“Then hurry up with my pancakes!”

  
The morning passed quickly after that. Trixie sent someone to collect Katya's uniform from her apartment, and bring it back to they house. They both quietly counted their blessings that Katya wasn't working an early shift, and that Trixie worked for herself.

  
Trixie went to get her cook to create the breakfast but Katya wouldn't hear of it.

  
“You have to work for them!”

  
“I do work! And then I use the profits from that to pay someone to make them!”

  
“They taste better when their a little shitty!”

  
“Oh yeah?”

  
“Yeah! When the flour isn't quite mixed and the egg is raw,” she kissed her fingers, “divine!”

  
“That's disgusting”.

  
“Yeah well, that can't be helped”.

  
She sat down at a bar stool and looked expectantly. Trixie sighed and started to collect ingredients from her cupboards. Katya clapped excitedly.

  
“You don't need a recipe?”

  
“Until very recently I've made my own pancakes Katya!”

  
“Right sorry, I always forget”.

  
Trixie mixed everything together and Katya tried not to be to open about the fact she was staring at her arm muscles. She hadn't noticed how strong and defined they were until then, as they whisked flour and eggs vigorously.

  
Soon, a plate of pancakes was placed in front of her, each one the perfect shade of golden brown, and maple syrup and icing sugar had been lightning dressed on top. She wondered why she was even surprised. Of course Trixie could cook! She envied her, knowing that if she'd attempted this feat, the fire brigade would currently be surrounding the house.  
She ate appreciatively, making Trixie laugh with the speed at which she wolfed them down.

  
“You want coffee?”

  
She nodded through mouthfuls of pancakes.

  
As Trixie set about her new task, Katya watched her. She was already dressed, her classic 50’s dress today a shade of blue she'd never worn before. It was beautiful against her tanned skin and she marvelled at the golden curls that cascaded down her back. She had a white apron tied around her tiny waist and Katya's mind couldn't help but drift into daydreams of her making her breakfast every morning. She knew that was stupid, Trixie didn't have the time for that even if she wanted to. Which she wouldn't anyway, she couldn't see Trixie being exactly comfortable playing housewife.

  
“You know, you would have made a really cute owner of a pie shop?”

  
Trixie looked amused.

  
“A pie shop?”

  
“Yeah! A cute little family owned one in the county”.

  
“Why do you say that?”

  
“I'd want to be served pie by you”.

  
“Thank you?”

  
“Your welcome”.

  
Katya left as soon as they were finished drinking their coffee. Kissing her quickly before jumping out the car and into her shop.It felt too casual to be the end of such a huge night. Trixie tried not to miss her on the car ride home.

  
She was soon sat in her bedroom with a guitar, determined to write the last song for her album that day. She'd needed to have it finished weeks ago, but she couldn't come up with anything she liked. Now she'd been freshly inspired.

  
She strummed a C chord, always a good place to start…


	13. Song

3am and Trixie was heading to the recording studio. She'd felt bad for waking her manger up so late into the night but this song needed to be done as soon as it possibly could be. She buzzed in, greatful it wasn't closed for the night, wondering who was here already keeping it open so late. She suddenly remembered that she was the reason, that they'd opened especially for her and was suddenly struck by her own power. All these years and she still wasn't used to having influence over people. She wanted to apologise but fought the urge as she'd done so many times before.

  
She was greeted warmly by the team in her booth when she walked in.

  
“Trixie! Darling! Finally! It's finished!”

  
“Well it's got to be good first let me play it before you get too excited!”

  
There were chuckles in response as she pulled the guitar out of its case. She felt relieved that nobody seemed angry they had been woken up, just happy this album was finally going to be done. She looked up at the group of expectant smiles and was suddenly nervous. She'd written this song on her own, poured her heart into it. Each word belonged her to her...belonged to Katya and it felt private. She wondered what would happen if she simply refused to play. Refused to share yet another little piece of her soul with the world…

  
She knew she couldn't do that though. This wasn't just about her! This was about everyone who's income depended on this album being good. And this song was good, she knew it was. This song felt alive.

  
She played the introduction several times over, warming up the strings until she felt happy to put her trust in them. She knew it made no real difference but it was all she could think of to stall.

  
“Are you going to sing at any point?”

  
She took a deep breath.

  
_Sometimes you talk and I sit,_  
 _Muddled and mystified but,_  
 _I'd learn new languages_  
 _to hear you ramble on._

  
_Sometimes you stare I wish,_   
_I saw what you see but_   
_I think that you could show me_   
_If it's us your set upon._

  
She changed the key heading towards the chorus. Not daring to look at anyone, afraid their faces might betray the fact that they hated it.

  
_I'd walk in 10 inch heels_   
_Eat mayflies for a million meals_   
_If you tell me that you're not saying goodbye._

  
_I'd send my heart in packages,_   
_If we can leave this as it is,_   
_Cus you're the one I'm calling when I cry._

  
She glanced quickly up as she finished singing and saw the gathered group were all smiling wildly. She grinned and  played louder, stronger.

  
_I'd follow you across the world,_   
_Hang on to your every word_   
_Wondering if you listen to mine._

  
_I would give up everything,_   
_Just to see what we could bring,_   
_To lay and see our fingers intertwined_

  
She moved back to the original key, her strumming getting softer as she finished with a barely audible.

  
_Sometimes I wonder,_  
 _How you captured,_  
 _All the lights in all the world and_  
 _Held them in your eyes._

  
She was hardly singing now.

  
_I'd put down pad and pen_  
 _And never write a song again,_  
 _Just for one more second of your smile._

  
There was a pause as she finished before Justin let out a long whistle. 

  
“Well sweetie looks like I'm getting the wife a new car”.


	14. Talkshow

2 weeks later and Katya was sat in a studio audience at the recording of a talk show. Somehow, Trixies publicity team that managed to keep their relationship a secret, and she'd been allowed to carry on with her life as normal. There was no need to hide her backstage at this interview, she could sit front row and watch her girlfriend shine.

  
She'd been excited to come to this, excited to watch Trixies finally sing a song off her new album. They had no idea how people were going to react to her new music when the bar had already been set so high! She was nervous for her, but was careful not to betray that on her face. She didn't want to make Trixie nervous too.

  
It didn't help Katya still hadn't heard the song she'd be playing today. Trixie had been insisting she wanted to get it just right and have her hear it with a live band but the truth was she was terrified to play it in case Katya hated it. It was cheesy and happy and it utterly betrayed her feelings with every childish word. Katya was cool. She liked music nobody else did, with lyrics that were slow and deep and twanging electric guitar solos played in dusty basements. She also liked ABBA but only Trixie knew that.

  
The lights went down and the shows theme music started, causing the chattering crowd to fall silent and then burst into manic applause as the host of the show bounced out into the stage. He was introducing the guests for the day and Katya felt a surge of pride when Trixie got the loudest cheer.

  
She smiled as she trotted out onto the stage and joined the other guests on the sofa, heels so high she wondered how she was staying upright so effortlessly, and shirt so short and pink she was sure it had been originally intended to be used as a belt. The screams got louder as she waved and Katya joined in, wolf whistling as she caught her eye, making her and a few audience members laugh. If only they knew she thought.

  
Trixie was sat down opposite the host for a while before the clapping died down and she turned to the crowd clutching her heart dramatically.

  
“You guys!” She laughed, scanning the adoring gathering.

  
“Ok everyone calm down now! We won't have time for the actual interview!” The host tried to interject, and Katya noticed he looked slightly bitter of all the attention Trixie was getting.

  
“Trixie Mattel!” He smiled broadly.

  
“Hello!”

  
“Hello darling how are you?”

  
“I'm fantastic! How are you?”

  
“Better to have seen you love but let's get right into it. Trixie tell me about your new album”.

  
Katya suddenly felt a little bit strange. The whole exchange was so fake and manufactured she wondered if Trixie might have finally turned into a real Barbie…  
She knew this is how TV worked but she found herself needing some sign it was still Trixie up there! She wasn't used to seeing the woman the rest of the world saw.

  
“Well it's called Joanne…”

  
The crowd laughed at this and Katya smiled at the look of relief that flashed briefly across Trixies face. She was nervous, unsure of herself but pretending otherwise, she was making dumb jokes, it was still Trixie.

  
“No, no it's actually called falling,” she smiled.

  
“Falling? Do you often fall over?”

  
The crowd laughed again at the weak joke but Katya just frowned. It wasn't funny. Why were they laughing? She figured she must have a lot to learn if she wanted to fit into Trixies world.

  
“No Jim it's about falling in love! And out of it...and into it again. And then out of it…”

  
The host laughed heartily.

  
“Been in and out of love a lot then have we Trixie huh?”

  
A screaming laugh from the crowd. Katya hated it.

  
Trixie laughed too, careful not to look at Katya, because if she did any facade she was trying to present would be torn down. She was playing her part on stage but one look into her eyes and she'd say something too real. Something fragile. Something she'd rather keep hidden.

  
“I wouldn't say a lot but enough to make an album!”

  
“Well I can't wait to hear it!”

  
“Thank you!”

  
The presenter moved onto the other guests quickly after that. Trixie wasn't giving him the witty banter he needed for the show anymore. She seemed dazed. She felt dazed and she searched the crowd for her girlfriends seat for reassurance. Katya locked onto her eyes finally and it snapped her back to earth I'm. Way that was somehow even hazier than before and yet clear as day. This wasn't real, but she was real.

  
She sat in mostly silence for the rest of the interview. Letting others talk and joke, interjecting only when necessary. It felt oddly freeing to not be constantly making people laugh. Being charming was exhausting.

  
“And finally to close the show Trixies going to sing for us!”

  
Applause rang out as Trixie made her way across to the small stage. Pausing, she took her shoes off and threw them to the side, earning a laugh and some gasps from the crowd. This was not on brand for the county sweetheart. Trixie didn't feel right being her usual perfect self playing Katya's song. It was too important to be worrying about falling over. Plus, if she fell while playing a song from falling, she'd have to go into hiding so the twitter meme makers would never find her.

  
She picked up her guitar and stepped into it, careful not to mess up her hair and leaned into the microphone.

  
“I'm in love and this songs about that”.

  
Her eyes seemed to pierce into Katya's as she sung lyrics that were cheesier than anything the Russian had even heard, and yet they were so perfectly Trixie she didn't care. They were her words, her thoughts wrapped up in G,G7,C,CM, over and over in a pattern that carried Trixies heart across the room, landing at Katyas feet in a box wrapped with pink ribbon. 

  
It wasn't until she played the final chord that she even realised. She'd said that she loved her. 


	15. Painting

Getting Taxis was something Katya used to avoid like the plague but since meeting Trixie, she rarely took the bus anymore. The blonde insisted on paying for her to get to and from work in as much comfort as possible, since she wouldn't allow Trixie to hire someone to drive her around exclusively.

It was weird she admitted to Adore on a lunch break. To know that she was still poor, but to have all the things rich people have.

“It's like, I'm working 8-10 hours a day at a check out for minimum wage, but for dinner I'm having lobster. I'll probably be wearing Chanel!”

Adore puffed out a breath of smoke.

“Is that bad?”

“No! No it's lovely it just feels strange”.

“Girl, you've got a sugar mama”.

“I do not have a sugar mama, plus that phrase is gross stop saying it”.

“Stop saying sugar mama?”

“Adore!”

“Sorry! I promise not to say sugar mama again”

“ADORE!”

“Sorry cheap joke, couldn't resist”.

“Am I making sense though?”

“Girl, just think of it like this. Your working just as hard, just as many hours as Trixie, so why shouldn't you get the same things she does?”

“I guess…”

“Do you feel like you owe her something?”

“No!”

Adore looked at her.

“Ok fine a little”.

“Baby…”

“I know I know! But it's so much! It's lovely and I'm enjoying it but I can't give any of it back!”

“Listen. I could give you a speech about how she doesn't want anything she just wants you but it not going to change your mind SO here's what you do. You give her something back”.

“I have $23 in my bank account right now”.

“No stupid! Make her something! She can buy anything she wants she doesn't want you to buy her something!”

“Paint?”

“It's what your good at. I've seen them on your page Katya, you're really talented”.

“I don't know...they're kind of weird for her! She's more into pastels…”

“And yet she's dating you?”

“Good point”.

"So you'll do it?"

"I'll think about doing it".

Adore just smiled. 

That same night Katya started working, not waiting to use her studio, she picked a relatively small canvas that wouldn't be too inconvenient to hide if Trixie hated it.

She painted until the sun came back up, swirling and mixing colours, adding highlights of gold and white until she looked at her creation and saw Trixie. Saw her essence expressed in blue instead of pink, the feeling that crept into her gut whenever she thought about her gold and crimson splashed out across the canvas. Her own song lyrics, weaved into the bleeding colours, writing with a brush instead of a guitar.

She took a step back and stretched, looking at her artwork critically. She knew that Trixie would understand what it meant. It was her I love you.

Although neither of them had actually sat down and said the words yet.

There had been moments where it was said in passing, a laughing “I love you” when a particularly good or more often bad joke had been made, a breath of “I love you” lost to the tangle of sheets, a song or a kiss or a smile all meaning the same thing. Trixie had even announced she was in love on live TV! But it didn't feel official. And Katya knew that it wouldn't until one of them sat down and said the words, “I love you,” with nothing to provoke it or hide behind. She knew she had to do it soon.

It was weird, they hadn't even been dating for a long time! This whole relationship had spanned over a month at most and yet it already felt like she'd waited to long. She needed to tell her. Maybe she'd go over now…

She glanced at her clock. 5:00am. Maybe she'd sleep for a little bit first…

She woke up to the sound of her phone ringing, and saw she had 3 missed calls. Her intercom buzzed repeatedly. Trixie.

She pulled herself out of bed, wondering why she had no memory of when she’d fallen asleep.

“Trix?”

“I'm outside can I come in?”

She sounded tearful even through the static. Katya buzzed her in quickly, not caring she was still in an old paint stained tee shirt, or that her supplies were spilling out across the floor, she just needed to make sure everything was ok. A feeling deep in her gut told her it wasn't.

Trixie looked tired when she opened the door. Her usually perfectly set hair scraped back in a hairstyle that looked uncomfortably tight. She was wearing her own merch and Katya saw coffee had been spilled down the front.

“You weren't answering your phone”.

“I was sleeping”.

“I'm sorry, I just came over, I need to talk to you," she sounded flustered. 

“Do you want to sit down?”

“Where?”

“The couch-” Katya stopped when she saw every surface area of her house was covered in art supplies..."The bed?”

“Seems like the only available space!”

“Well I wasn't expecting you…”

“No I'm sorry, it's fine”.

It was weird. The tension in the air felt thick and awkward. Something had changed and Katya didn't understand.

Trixies eyes started welling up as soon as she sat down but something stopped Katya from reaching a hand out to comfort her. Her whole aura was screaming that she wanted space.

“Trix?”

“I'm sorry, hold on let me stop being such a baby”.

She wiped her tears on the sleeve of her sweatshirt, taking a deep breath.

“Okay?”

“Okay”.

“Want to tell me what's going on mabye?”

“Katya I’m going on tour”.

“And?”

“I'm going on tour...for 2 years”.

She felt like someone had punched her in the gut with a steel fist. Her ears buzzed and she only realised she was crying when her vision started to blur.

“Katya?”

“Yeah?”

“I have to go”.

“I know”.

“They own me I signed a contract”.

“I know”.

“I love you”.

“I know”.

There was a silence then, both women letting tears openly fall down their faces, not bothering to clear them. Any attempt to keep up apperences was long forgotten.

“I could come with you?” She finally chocked, already knowing the answer. 

“You'd be practically alone for 2 years Kat. You'd never see me!”

“Whys it 2?”

“Money”.

“Even for you it seens excessive”.

“You can never have too much money”.

“Who's saying that?”

“My label who else?”

Another silence.

“So I'm staying here?”

“Yes..”

“And you're...not?”

“Katya…”

“No no I just want to make sure I understand”.

“I'm sorry…”

“If you wanted to stay you would”.

“It doesn't work like that”.

“Yes it does! You can pay off anything they would sue you for if you broke contract”.

“It would bankrupt me”.

“Right”.

“It would!”

“I believe you. I just can't believe you'd choose money over love”.

“That's not what I'm doing Katya don't do this”.

“It's exactly what your doing. Please leave”.

Trixie started to cry again, harder than before.

“Katya please don't”.

“I want you to leave me alone”.

“Kat-”

“Get out!” She surprised herself with the sudden volume.

Trixie stood up. Throat aching from holding in sobs.

“Ok fine. I'm going”.

Katya just nodded.

“I love you”.

“Then why would you leave?”

“It's-”

“Not your decision?”

“No. Its not”.

“Let me know when you remember that you're an actual human being and not just a fucking barbie”.

Trixie walked out then. And Katya was left alone to cry harder than she'd ever cried in her life.

She stayed like that for an hour. And then, took the still drying painting into the parking lot around the back of her appartment block, and threw it in the trash.

It's colours wiping off on the black plastic of the bags. Melting as it started to rain. 


	16. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short but I didn't want it as part of the next chapter becuase it's too long! Hope you enjoy this little mini update and thank you so much for all your comments, they mean so much to me x

So Trixie left. And Katya broke.

The first few days were the worst. Her appartment quickly became as dark and messy as it had been when they'd first met. With no Trixie there was no reason to clean it. She'd never minded the dirt.

She'd called into work and told them she'd broken her wrist. A huge lie they most likely saw through but for some reason let pass. It was because they didn't really need her she realised. She was easily replaced by someone else. She'd go back eventually, but going back to using the bus everyday felt too final to face.

She tried to find ways to occupy her empty time but she couldn't paint, blaming it for the downfall of her relationship. It was one of her stupid paintings that she'd done before she came and ruined everything.

Without work or art to occupy her Katya was hollow. She found herself unable to turn on the TV, the radio or even check her phone without being constantly bombarded by interviews and music from Trixie. She was in the spotlight after the release of her new album and it meant that she couldn't even check twitter without being waterboarded with buzzfeed quizzes asking her to “describe your last breakup and we'll tell you which Trixie Mattel song you are!”

It hurt. It hurt really really badly.

  
-

  
Meanwhile, Trixie had gone into full business mode. Barely speaking all day, and singing at night with a charm she'd mastered a long time ago. She could turn it on and off at will but the effort of doing so was exhausting.

She'd spend all day in her dressing room, or plugged into headphones in the car. Nobody came in, and she didn't come out if it wasn't to perform. She pulled her tired feet into pink boots 2 minutes before she had to perform, and did her own hair and makeup to avoid social interaction. She looked older. Exhausted. But she wasn't crying and that was an achievement.

She could proudly say that when she did perform she gave it her all.

Only people close to her asked what was wrong, nobody else could see a change. Trixie had never been super social anyway. She'd tell anyone who asked that she was tired becuase it was easier than telling them that the real reason she was being so shut off was because she hated them all from the very pit of her stomach. She loathed then for what they'd made her do. But she knew it wasn't just anger that had made her so reclusive.

They made her sing Katyas song every night. And it hurt. It hurt really really badly. 


	17. End

Katya was on a train.

If she was honest she didn't know if it was the right train but when she spotted a gaggle of teenagers dressed in pink belting bluegrass she figured she couldn't be far off.

She took a sip of the coffee she'd brought in an attempt to calm her down, to give her something to hold onto. It was only making her heartbeat faster as she sipped it, but she was thankful that it was strong and hot and all the things she needed right now.  
She had no idea where she was going, not having thought to look up the directions. She hadn't planned this at all…

Gritting her teeth, she decided to just follow the group of pink teenagers, praying to god they weren't just Trixie fans by coincidence. Hoping they didn't realise she was following them, the last thing she needed was to spend the night in jail.

She was still in her work uniform she realised for the first time that night. She hadn't even thought to change her polo shirt and jeans for something a little more flattering, considering who she was about to see. She didn't even know if she'd get to see her actually. It wasn't like they'd ever been publicly together so nobody would think she was anything other than an audience member….maybe she'd end up just watching the concert. Why was she even doing this?

She stopped walking. She looked like shit, she didn't know where she was going, and there was a huge chance she wouldn't even get to speak to Trixie.

She decided that it didn't matter. She decided that she didn't care.

She found the venue eventually, and was almost immediately swept up in crowds of pink. Wrapped up in exited chatter with the people around her, just nodding at their comments. She didn't trust herself to speak.   
  
She joined the queue that wrapped around the arena and tried to look more confident than she felt. A young girl tapped her on the shoulder.

“Are you excited?”

“Yes, are you?”

“So excited!” She enthused, “are you a big fan?”

Katya swallowed.

“I'm her biggest fan”.

-

Predictably, Trixie had spent the evening alone in her dressing room, picking the mushrooms off a veggie pizza and nibbling them delicately.

She was trying not to think about how all her nights were going to look like for more days than she dared count. Hundreds of nights spent miserable...mourning Katya like she'd died. She kept trying to picture her life if she'd denied this tour to talk her out of quitting that same second. She'd have nothing. She'd be nothing…she'd have Katya…

She sighed as the knock at the door told her she had 5 minutes. She pulled on her boots, well worn by now, and started to make sure her guitar was tuned. It was, it hadn't been played since the night before, just sat untouched in the corner of the room. She didn't trust herself not to write a breakup song. She couldn't do that right now. It was always over forever after she finished that and the idea of never seeing Katya again caused bile to rise in her throat.

She walked down the corridor that led to the main stage, smiling for the first time all day as she heard the cheers from the crowd, loud enough to carry through the whole building. They reminded her why she was here. She loved the music, loved the reaction she got when she played it. Looking out into the crowd after playing her saddest breakup songs and seeing thousands of eyes sparkling with tears, sad with her, for her, crying for their own faded stars. Nothing made her feel more connected, nothing made her feel more human.

She stepped out into the stage to deafening screams. She let them pour over her like a tidal wave. She grinned.

“Hello!”

Thousands of “hellos” were screamed back at her, but one was quieter than the rest, unheard by Trixie, almost at the very back of the arena.

“Hi,” Katya murmured.

She had been dumbfounded, as she always was when Trixie walked out onto the stage. Long legs in high heels, confidence personified. The way the whole crowd screamed in welcome. They loved her. She loved her.

The show passed quickly, Trixie's voice perfect and beautiful as it rung out through the open air. She finished her song with a smile.

“Now guys I have to go, but before I do I'm going to play one last song…”

Katya's heart stuck in her throat as she heard the opening chord. That song was hers.

“Sometimes you talk and I sit, muddled and mystified but, I’d learn new languages to hear you ramble on”.

She didn't cry. She was so proud because everyone else was. She looked around and saw that this wasn't just her song, this was a love song that everyone who heard it had made their own. It wasn't for her anymore, it belonged to them. This song was making Trixie money. Her song. And she was playing it like it meant nothing. Then, Trixies voice started to falter.

“I would give up everything, just to see what we could bring, -to” she stopped.

The audience was confused until they saw on the big screens that she was crying.

“Sorry, hold on,” she muttered, tilting her head back in an effort not to let more tears fall. Her voice was thick.

“Sorry guys, that one's still...that one's still raw”.

For the first time that night the crowd fell silent. You could have heard a pindrop. Trixie tried to compose herself.

“Sorry guys I'm sorry…” she sniffed and paused for a moment. Considering whether to elaborate, “that was Katya's song, and...I miss Katya very much…”she finally said.

It was the first time she'd actually mentioned her name in public. It was her song. She'd said it was her song.The room was still deadly silent, with nobody really knowing how to react to such a huge star visibly breaking down on stage.

“TRIX!” Katya suddenly heard herself scream, with more volume than she knew she was capable of producing. She hadn't meant to speak. Hadn't been sure what she wanted to get out of coming here, but she was sure now. She wanted Trixie, whatever that meant.

People looked around annoyed she'd shouted, they didn't know but Trixie heard. Her eyes looked around wildly. She'd know her voice anywhere.

“Katya?”

The crowd was too loud now, and too big, she couldn't shout again and be heard. She turned to the girls next to her.

“Help me”.

They didn't need any kind of proof, the look of desperation in her eyes was enough.

“SHES HERE!” One screamed, and it caught on quickly, people pointing in Katya's direction, following the voices and adding their own. A spotlight came into the crowd, following the crowds pointing. Even the lighting technicians had found themselves becoming invested.

It found her and suddenly Trixie could see. She flung her hand over her mouth as she cried, knowing she looked a mess on stage and not caring.

“You could have texted me,” she choked.

There was laughter, Katya was pushed forward. She forgot the crowd existed as she saw Trixie getting closer and closer, until she was finally pulled up into her arms.

“I want you. I'll wait. I don't care how long you're away for, I'll pretend you're an astronaut”.

Trixie laughed through tears.

“I missed you so much”.

Katya grabbed the laples of her jacket and kissed her, causing huge cheers to erupt from the crowd.

“I love you”.

“I love you too Dolly”.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end! Thank you so much for reading your comments mean so much to me, I'm a little emotional about this being finished but I already have an idea for a new one :)


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